Hot, Holy and Humorous

Sex: From the Skit Guys

2012-03-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Tommy Woodward & Eddie James
"The Skit Guys"

I have several posts half-finished, and this has been a week to catch up on everything else in my life. Rather than give a half-hearted polish to one of the topics I want to cover as best I can, I'm sharing a couple of videos from the Skit Guys. According to their website, their mission is "teaching God's word using comedy, drama and whatever category talking action figures fit into for over twenty years."

I came across The Sex Talk video through Sheila Gregoire's Marriage Daily Paper (which I highly recommend). This video is touted as a way to introduce the sex talk to kids and teens. However, I find that a Bible class of married couples can also turn into blushing junior high kids at the mention of "intercourse" (gasp!). If you want a growing, mature sexual relationship in marriage, you have to be able to address the subject like an adult. So here is the first video:

The second video I found from their website shows the connection between Sex as originally intended and Sin as it has corrupted sexuality in our world. I love the last two lines. See what you think of The Story of Sex:

So what did you think? Do you agree with their take? What ideas did these clever videos bring to mind?

One more thing: Sheila Gregoire recently finished her 29 Days to Great Sex series. Her book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, releases soon and today she launches a contest in which you could win money towards a 1st or 2nd second honeymoon. Check it out at her website: To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Intimacy After an Affair

2012-02-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

Pic from GibbyT's Blog

I have been asked how a wife can be open and giving in the bedroom after her husband has cheated on her. Honestly, I don't know exactly how to answer.

My heart sinks when I hear of the damage caused by extramarital affairs. This scenario is not one I've been through, and my gut wrenches to even think of how I would react to my husband being intimate with another woman.

What I come up with when I receive the question of re-establishing sexual intimacy after an affair is primarily a huge dose of sympathy and prayer for the couple involved. There are two pieces of advice I have heard over and over for recovering from an affair. (One resource for the following is the Homeword with Jim Burns radio show, on which Dr. Burns has interviewed numerous authors and speakers on this and other-marriage related topics).

1. The offending spouse must be willing to be accountable. The person who had the affair will have to report on where he is going, where he has been, when he will return home, whom he has been in contact with, etc. His cell phone and computer are open to being checked by the spouse or an accountability partner. He must avoid contact with the affair partner, even changing jobs or gyms or whatever to ensure that.

Sometimes an offending spouse wants to just be done with the affair and move on. They want to confess, be forgiven, and have their reassurances that the affair is over result in trust. But it doesn't work that way. If you break the covenant and the trust that came with it, you must work to regain it. I believe marriage is worth that effort.

2. The couple must address issues in their own relationship. Of course a spouse should never cheat. However, an affair usually (not always) occurs when needs are going unmet in the marriage. Like or it not, that's an us problem, not a him problem. If only those problem areas had been addressed before the affair . . .

But you are where you are, and those who commit to improving their marriage often report experiencing the very best years of their relationship after the affair. Communicate, seek counseling, find good marriage resources, and discover together what will make you feel loved, secure, and intimate in your marriage.

Additionally, I suggest that all couples should talk about appropriate boundaries. I discussed my own boundaries in The Rule.

With regard to sexual intimacy, I suspect it's like every other distraction, albeit a huge one. A wife may get to the bedroom with her husband, and her brain wanders to thoughts about him cheating. The hurt, resentment, and distrust cause her to tense and a wall to form. The best way to fight doubt and fear is to replace it with truth and love. If your spouse is doing what he should to reestablish trust and work on your relationship, you can remind yourself over and over that he chose you, that he wants you. Your truth will be that you are not sleeping with the guy with whom you had a bad marriage, the one who cheated on you. This is a new beginning, a new man, a new marriage -- renewed by God. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones takes time, but it can be done.

Now I'm going to send you to a fabulous article on the website of fellow blogger, Julie Sibert at Intimacy in Marriage. One of her readers posted the story of how her marriage survived infidelity. At the end of the post, Julie provides links to stories and resources for those who have gone or are going through infidelity in a marriage.

If you have your own wisdom for getting past an affair, please share for others in the comments. You may help other marriages with your story of hardship or healing.

My prayers do indeed go out to those of you who have been hit with the pain of an affair. Thankfully, there are many couples who have recovered, and a couple committed to God can go on to experience their best years of marriage yet.

(Note: I used the husband cheating example here; I believe a majority of my readers are women and I typically aim my posts at them. I do appreciate my male readers. So if it was a wife who cheated, the pronouns can be changed.)

Man vs. Woman

2012-02-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

Come here, reader. I have something very important to share with you. A secret that a lot of people don’t know. A timeless truth that has been forgotten in recent years. A revelation that will change the way you view your spouse. Lean in close now. Here it is:

Psst. Men and women are different.

Yep, that’s it! This obvious fact has indeed been denied by plenty of feminists, psychologists, and academics. They admit that we have differing private parts, but some have argued that the concepts of maleness and femaleness are largely social constructs taught as stereotypes to children.

Yet science has recently shown that having a penis/testicles or a vagina/ovaries is hardly the only difference between man and woman. When God took a little dust and molded it like Play-doh into man and then grabbed a rib bone and crafted it like a pipe cleaner into woman, he didn’t go for outer variations only. He made us female or male through and through.

Here are some of the amazing differences that we now know exist between men and women. (Of course, these are generalizations, and specifics may vary.)

Men are 10-15% larger than women and 30% stronger on average.

Men exhibit greater upper body strength.

Men have better vision and depth perception; women blink twice as often as men.

Women have a higher percentage of body fat.

Men have greater muscle mass to body mass ratio and more slow twitch muscle fibers (for greater endurance).

Men have stronger bones, tendons, and ligaments.

Men have longer canine teeth.

Men have larger vocal chords; thus, the “Adam’s apple.”

The skull shape of men and women is different.

Women have a larger and broader pelvis.

Men have 56% greater lung volume per body mass.

Men’s hearts are larger than women’s.

Men have thicker skin, literally.

Men have more body hair; women are smoother.

Men have a greater tendency to lose hair; i.e., balding and thinning.

Women are generally lighter-skinned.

Women have more language processing areas in the brain.

Women have more blood flow to their brain. (Insert jokes here.)

Women have a more sensitive sense of smell.

Women have more pain receptors.

Women exhibit lower blood pressure overall.

Women experience a faster heartbeat.

Men have more red blood cells; women have more white blood cells.

Men produce androgen hormones (one of which is testosterone); women produce estrogen hormones.

Men are taller.

Men are able to sire children well into old age; women have a decrease in fertility after 35 years of age.

Women reach puberty approximately two years earlier.

Men can parallel park better than women, but women can listen to three conversations at once and men struggle to follow one. Just kidding. That's not scientifically proven (yet); call it the J Theory.

Can you believe that list is so long? There are other differences as well, but I'm not writing a dissertation, just a blog post.

The differences between men and women begin with outer appearance, but run down into bones and muscle, to chemicals, to brain structure, and into the cellular level.

So other than throwing out some interesting facts, what is my point? Well, it’s challenging to have a fabulous sexual relationship with someone so completely different from you! Yes, we are human, and that makes us immensely more like one another than not. But all these physical, brain, and hormonal differences mean that we approach sex differently. And God designed us that way!

When your husband or wife approaches the bedroom differently from you, some of that is due to gender differences.

So perhaps her better language centers mean that she can juggle several trains of thought and communicate during lovemaking, whereas he can grunt.

The hubby's better distance vision and depth perception may help to explain why he is so visually oriented, whereas the lack of body hair and more pain receptors link to why she is more sensitive to touch.

And then there is her sensitivity to smell. Do I really have to spell out what that means, guys?

His greater lung volume and muscle mass may explain why God designed men to typically have more work for the sexual act itself, while her lessened blood flow could be related to why it takes longer for the wife to become sexually aroused.

If we weren't different from one another, there wouldn't be such an attraction between male and female. But at the same time, you have to understand that the spouse in your bedroom isn't exactly like you. Your sexual partner is different all the way down to their core.

I have come to believe that it is God's brilliant design to make mutual sexual satisfaction something you must work toward together. You must recognize those differences, appreciate them, and play to them. As many have said before me: Viva La Difference!

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them."

Genesis 1:27

Soul Mate or Sole Mate?

2012-02-20T07:59:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in soul mates.

It's a popular notion in western culture that there is someone out there perfectly designed for you -- a soul mate. This belief is actually rooted in Greek mythology.

According to the myth, the world was once populated by beings who were both male and female. As they became faster and stronger, the gods feared that these humans would challenge them and take over the world. Zeus had a great idea. He severed the beings into male and female counterparts. By doing so, he limited their power, doubled the number of humans available to worship the gods, and introduced a new way of reproduction. In the wake of Zeus's actions, the humans now search long and hard to find their natural mate, the one who is their specific counterpart, their "soul mate."

Of course, we no longer belief that Zeus was involved, but the concept of soul mates remains. Author Richard Bach said, "A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks." There is the ever-popular love scene from the movie Jerry Maguire in which Tom Cruise's character appeals to Rene Zelwegger's by saying, "I love you. You complete me."

I admit to being attracted to the notion of my "other half," especially when we Christians talk about two becoming one. One divided makes one-half, right? And having my hubby say something along the lines of "you complete me" or "you're my soul mate" can weaken my knees a little.

But I don't really believe it.

I'm not sure others do at their core. In fact, Tom Cruise has been married three times, Renee Zelwegger married and divorced once, and Richard Bach was married three times -- divorcing his wife whom he had described as his "soul mate" after 22 years of marriage. Despite what these people said in books or movie parts, they haven't experienced it themselves. I can find plenty of other examples of people claiming to have found a soul mate only to break up years later.

Instead, I believe in Sole Mates.

Of course, you want to choose someone with whom you have a special connection and a shared direction in life. But if you want a really great marriage and wonderful intimacy within that marriage, you'd do far better to adopt the biblical notion of sole mate.

Throughout the Bible, marriages come about in various ways. Fathers gifted their daughters as wives to worthy men, parents arranged marriages, kings selected wives, and men and women fell in love. The Bible's one direction in this regard is to marry within our faith.

After that, the focus is entirely on how you treat one another in marriage. Presumably, however you get your spouse, if you are both committed to God and His commands and to one another, you can have a great marriage. It isn't about finding your soul mate, but about committing to your sole mate.

Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems recently reported on a long-term study by UCLA psychologists looking at commitment in marriage. Fewer marital problems and reduced divorced rates were associated with the type of commitment that says:

"I’m committed to this relationship, but it’s not going very well—I need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps I need to take to keep this relationship moving forward." In other words, the partner is willing to take active steps to maintain the relationship, even if sacrifices are needed. He or she says, “I’m committed to making this relationship work.”

What does it take to last?

This shouldn't be surprising, since this is the very kind of commitment described by agape love in the New Testament. It goes beyond friendship love (philia), familial love (storge), and romantic love (eros). Those are all significant forms of love. But agape is a selfless, sacrificial love, committed to the well-being of the other. It says, "I value you, my sole mate, and our relationship above myself. I will seek out our good each and every day for the rest of my life."
Indeed, if you take that attitude, your souls will feel closer. You will have a spiritual connection, as well as an emotional and practical one. Taking this approach to the bedroom, you will experience an intense physical connection as well, as your bodies become "one flesh."

However you snagged your honey -- whether it was a beautiful romance and engagement worthy of its own film depiction or you got knocked up in high school and married the dad in a shotgun wedding -- God can mold this into a marriage worthy of heavenly applause. Your Father is rooting for you. He isn't concerned that you missed your perfect soul mate and instead landed your sole mate. Don't mistake God for Zeus. The LORD knows that if you do things His way, you can find joy and intimacy in your relationship.

Embrace your sole mate. Make sure he knows that he has your attention, your commitment, your whole self. Start tonight.

Finding a Good Gynecologist

2012-02-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I thought the most embarrassing and uncomfortable experience at the doctor's office was when the nurse pulled down my pants and shoved a needle into my puny butt cheek. And then I became a woman.

No woman enjoys the gynecologist (although I do prefer it to the dentist, which is a whole other story). What fun stuff happens at the gynecologist? Oh yeah, great stuff like:

Wearing a tissue-thin paper gown shaped like a rectangle.
Getting yourself into a lie-down/squat position and stretching your knees from east to west.
Having a speculum inserted into your private area and twisted like a car jack.
Attempting to carry on casual conversation with the doctor who is peeking, poking, and prodding all of your girly parts.

[Insert super-sarcastic tone]: Yeah, great stuff.

Yet maturity involves choosing a bit of discomfort now for the best results in the future, so we adults go to the doctor to have our health checked and physical symptoms resolved. In fact, we are blessed to live in an era in which treatment and healing are available for illnesses and difficulties which caused significant pain or death in the past.

I have one of those childbirth stories that ends with "Thank goodness for modern medicine."

So your gynecologist is important. This person will help you maintain your feminine health and, if you birth children, will deliver your babies. You need someone whose medical expertise you can fully trust.

You also need a gynecologist with whom you can discuss your sex life. Throughout your married life, you may face physical challenges that interfere with healthy sexual intimacy. They could range from minor yeast infections to hormonal changes affecting your sex drive to more severe issues like vaginismus. If at some point you face an illness or surgery, you want to be able to discuss, for instance, not only the mastectomy but how it is impacting intimacy with your husband. You need a doctor who will listen to you, show compassion, and pursue solutions when difficulties arise.

Here are some questions for choosing a gynecologist:

Am I comfortable in their presence? You need to be comfortable in their office. You will be talking about your body's issues, exposing your private areas, and relying on their medical advice. A lot of women believe they will be more comfortable with a female doctor. (However, I have had several female gynecologists and one male. Hands down, the male doctor was the most compassionate; if he hadn't retired, I'd be with him still.) You indeed may find that you speak more easily to someone in your age group or with similar life circumstances. You may prefer a parental type. But whatever your preference is, make sure you are comfortable in that exam room -- as much as you can be in a paper gown -- and can open up.

Do they listen to my concerns? Does your appointment feel rushed, allowing you little time to converse about your health? Are you given an opportunity to ask questions and present concerns? When you describe what you're experiencing, does your doctor restate the issue to ensure understanding and ask follow-up questions? Does he or she believe what you describe? For instance, if you report severe menstrual cramping or pain in sexual intercourse, is that report taken seriously or dismissed as "normal"? Do you feel like your doctor wants to know how you're doing? Your doctor needs to listen carefully to your concerns. You want to make sure that he does not overlook health issues that can be addressed and treated.

What health model do they use? Two issues in particular are that they have reasons for doing what they do and that their beliefs regarding medical intervention align with your own. Your doctor needs to be able to adequately explain her approach, reasoning, and course of action. As to belief systems aligning, some people are comfortable with a traditional medical model in which a condition is diagnosed and an accompanying treatment is prescribed. Others desire "alternative health" treatments, including herbal supplements, chiropractic manipulation, and other approaches. Some want their doctor to address dietary choices in detail; others do not. Ultimately, this is your body and your health. I won't tell you which track I take, but you need to be convinced of the path you and your doctor are taking.

This can be especially important with childbirth. There are a number of choices available now -- with home births, midwives, obstetricians, hospitals, Lamaze, C-sections, etc. Study the options thoroughly and choose a doctor who supports your approach.

(This one is hard for me to leave alone, given my experience. I advise that if you choose a nontraditional route, be sure that emergency care is readily available if needed.)

Do they stay updated on medical and health issues? There are medical researchers all across the nation and around the world. Health and medicine are areas in which we make new discoveries all the time. Breast cancer used to be an automatic killer; it's not now. Women with placenta abruptia or previa in childbirth used to die of hemorrhaging; they rarely do now. Better screenings, medicines, treatments, etc. have increased our ability to address many feminine issues.

You want your doctor to be up-to-date on the state of their medical field. Even if you have chosen an alternative route, there are studies and health journals in those fields as well. You don't want to miss out on an effective treatment only because it is recent and your doctor didn't keep up.

How thorough are the examinations? Your total health should be part of the exam. You should be asked questions about medical history, family of origin background, presenting problems, medicines taken, and lifestyle. You should have regular urine and blood work testing. Pap smears can detect cervical cancer, and mammograms can detect breast cancer. Your breasts, pelvis, vagina, cervix, uterus, and rectum should be examined by a doctor. The gynecologist will often also check vital signs, lungs, and heart for overall health. You don't want anything missed.

Do they recognize the importance of sex in marriage? I'll tell a personal story here. After one of my children was born, I experienced very low estrogen. TWICE I told my gynecologist that sex was painful for me. Her response? "Well, it's not going to feel great after having a baby. It just takes a while." After another night of my husband trying to penetrate my vagina, it feeling like a two-edged sword was entering me, crying buckets, and him stopping and consoling me in his arms, I decided to trust my own belief that something was wrong. Thank goodness that my doctor was unavailable when I called, and I got to see her nurse practitioner instead. This angelic woman looked at me, immediately diagnosed low estrogen, and prescribed vaginal cream. Within a week or so, I was fine. Needless to say, I changed doctors for the next baby.

This doctor did not give the proper weight to intimacy. She never asked how my sex life was post-childbirth, and when I shared my concerns, she dismissed them. I don't deal with that anymore. I have found a doctor with whom I can discuss my sex life. If you have a low sex drive or difficulty during intimacy, you need to be able to discuss this honestly with your doctor. You may have a medical problem. If so, you want a doctor willing to pursue treatments to assist you. You should not have to sacrifice intimacy with your husband because of a change in hormones or physical issues. There often are answers. Your doctor should be supportive of your quest for marital intimacy.

These are my recommendations. I am blessed to have had several wonderful doctors care for me -- the obstetrician who delivered my baby in less-than-ideal circumstances, the gynecologist who performed my endometrial ablation, and my current physician with whom I can discuss anything. God bless 'em.

What are your tips for finding a good gynecologist? What have you learned along the way? What do you look for in a gynecologist?

How Important Is Technique?

2012-02-13T07:30:00.000-07:00

I admit to being nervous about publishing my Oral Sex: How To post last Thursday, which you can read HERE. However, I was blown away by the number of comments I received. Some wrote to thank me for tackling this issue head on, others to offer tips, some to share their positive story of fun fellatio, and yet others to ask really good questions, which I tried my best to answer.

I have concluded that (A) we Christians are interested in better sexual technique to improve our marital intimacy, and (B) we don't have many resources available for learning these things.

Although Cosmopolitan magazine sits on the magazine stand at the grocery store promising "10 Creative Ways to Please Your Man" or "The Newest and Best Sexual Techniques," plenty of us are not looking for advice from secular sources to give us the low-down on these issues. Whenever I do pick up such a magazine, turn to the story, and start reading, the article seems to focus not on finding ways to increase intimacy in marriage but on the reader getting a temporary sexual high.

I'm actually not that big on technique. Given my promiscuous, pre-marital sexual history (which I regret -- see A Letter to a Former Lover), I can honestly say that some guys knew what they were doing more than others. Yet among those, the best sexual experience was with the guy who was a virgin when we had sex (I was a "technical virgin"). We figured it out somehow.

And trumping that experience by about a thousand percent is the sexual intimacy I have with the man with whom I have taken marriage vows, built a home, raised children, weathered ups and downs, and learned every inch of one another's bodies over the years.

Why?

Because technique can be learned. Given the apparent desire for more such posts, I will be addressing other issues of technique in the next few months. However, setting the stage for good technique is far more important.

How's your relationship? No matter how good a lover someone is, if you don't have any other closeness with them, it won't matter. It might be great sex, but it won't be sexual intimacy. For most women in particular, you need to have trust, openness, communication, and attraction to get in the mood for sexual activity. The relationship you have with your lover is important.

How's your attitude? If you don't care about sexual intimacy in marriage or you have past issues clouding your ability to let go and enjoy God's gift of sexuality, no technique tips are going to help. You must start with a willingness to seek out mutual pleasure and intimacy in the act of sex. Dealing with past hurts and misperceptions and adopting a godly perspective of sex will go a long way toward having the right attitude to engage with your spouse.

Where's your focus? If you are just looking for a sexual high for yourself, you aren't engaging in the intimacy God desires. Maybe you can give a great "blow job" or have a nice wave of orgasms all in row. However, the focus should be US, not simply me, in the bedroom. The purpose of doing it well is to increase the pleasure you experience together, which bonds you in those shared moments of ecstacy.

Pic from sweetdirtyflower

With this in mind, I wanted to share some of my favorite lines from the comments section of last week's post. The post was basically about how to give a "blow job," but check these out:

Danielle: it makes me feel sexy to turn my hubby on so much, and give him pleasure without expecting anything in return.

Anonymous: I LOVE to love my wife sexually. She'll frequently ask during oral why I enjoy giving it. Isn't it truly better to give than receive? YES!! I can't explain it, I just love it. She is totally open to me and I am giving her incredible pleasure. I could do this several times a week - freely giving it away simply because it makes my love feel so very good.

Megan of Do Not Disturb Blog: While we are young we can learn exactly what gets our man going and this will help us with a lifetime of great lovemaking. I look forward to many years of a satisfying sex life and will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

Anonymous: We've been married 31 years and have always enjoyed a robust sex life (very blessed). . . . She is so sweet and understanding. . . . As far as swallowing, it's no big deal. I don't want her doing anything she's uncomfortable with.

Anonymous: I spent time prior to "us time" . . . asking God to help me view this the way He intended it to be. . . . I asked God to open my mind and my heart to loving my husband in this way, and it helped a great deal that my husband never pushed me to do this.

All of these speak to making sexual technique a part of loving intimacy in marriage. That's where the magic begins! That is why God designed sex to happen in marriage -- a covenant relationship before God which can bring about personal growth, family building, and emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People come to mind. One of them is simply "First Things First," meaning to make sure you properly prioritize. For heaven's sake, let's learn some great sexual techniques! However, all of that fabulous-lover knowledge must go toward building a complete sex life that fosters intimacy.

Get your groove on, for sure, but remember that God wrote the tune and it takes two-made-one to tango.

Oral Sex: How To

2012-02-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a glimpse at my internal conversation while preparing for this post:

Self 1: I should do a post on giving blow jobs.

Self 2: What are you going to say about blow jobs?

Self 1: You know, a how to.

Self 2: You're going to describe how to give a blow job? Are you crazy!

Self 1: Some wives might want a little coaching.

Self 2: Are you actually going to call it a "blow job"?

Self 1: That's what everyone calls it.

Self 2: How about "fellatio"?

Self 1: If I call it fellatio, no one will know what I'm talking about.

Self 2: How about "the thing that must not be named."

Self 1: Isn't that Voldemort from Harry Potter?

Self 2: Your brain is too distracted.

Self 1: Not when I'm giving a blow job. I'm really focused then.

Self 2: So that you don't choke?

Self 1: Well, yeah. And because it's kinda hot. You know, "his fruit is sweet to my taste," from Song of Songs?

Self 2: So you're actually going to talk about this in public?

Self 1: Um, maybe.

Self 2: Well, if you do, don't take me down with you.

Self 1: "Take me down with you." That's funny.

Self 2: *rolls eyes*

Oh yes, I did.

I have indeed wondered for some time if there is a way to discuss this topic and give advice without getting way too private and graphic. I had the benefit of receiving some tips from a friend many years back, and they were quite helpful. I could have learned that on my own, with coaching from my husband, but it made trying oral sex with him a much better experience from the get-go.

I doubt that some wives have access to that kind of information. Moreover, sources that describe how to give a "blow job" usually do not have a Christian perspective and may use photography or graphic images. Perhaps some have learned how to from watching a porn film.

Here's the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don't need to try it to know I don't need to try it.

The point is, some husbands would like their wives to "go down" on them. Some wives would be willing to give it a shot or want to try it again. Some of those wives feel that they don't know what to do or how to do it. So here I go. I will give a short How To lesson on giving a blow job. Warning: If you do not want to read blatant advice about this topic, click away now.

Do you really blow? No. Please do not treat your husband's opening like the end of a balloon and attempt to inflate it with your breath. I have no idea why it is called a blow job. There's no blowing that I know of. A blow job is merely the slang term for a woman inserting a man's penis into her mouth. What happens after that determines whether it is a good blow job or a lame one.

The Parts of a Penis
references used below:
Glans = head
Sulcus = ridge
Shaft = shaft

How much of his penis do I put in my mouth? It can vary. You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband's penis (see below). This isn't about swallowing your husband. It's about providing oral stimulation to his sensitive genital area. While providing oral stimulation, you will need to breathe mostly through your nose.

What do I do with my mouth? We've established that you don't blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation. These can be small licks around the ridge, head, and tip, or longer licks up and down the shaft of the penis to the head. With the penis inside your mouth, you can also pump your tongue a little to increase pressure. Sucking also increases the pressure, especially as you move your mouth up and down his penis. You can add add your hand to the mix; that is, simultaneously use your hand(s) to provide slight pressure and a different feel as your mouth works. This is going to sound super-weird, but for the first time out, imagine the head of the penis as an ice cream cone and the shaft as a fudgsicle. That might help a little.

Where does it feel best for him? The greatest concentration of nerve endings is in the head of a man's penis. While stimulating the shaft also feels good, the ridge between the shaft and head, the head itself, and the tip are all more sensitive. Licking, sucking, and oral pressure in that area will likely feel particularly good. That said, you can't just hang out there doing the same thing over and over. The best sex involves variation, and that goes for oral sex as well.

What is "deep-throating"? To deep throat during a blow job means to put the penis so far into your mouth that the head makes contact with your throat. The throat is a tighter space and can provide more pressure and friction. Here's some advice if you want to give it a try: Open your throat and widen your mouth to an aperture larger than your husband's penis so that you can continue to breathe around it. Also, don't expect to stay in that position for long. You can throat the tip and then move back out. The motion may feel better to your husband anyway.

Should I spit or swallow? Some women do not want semen in their mouth, period -- either because they do not want to waste the sperm (a principle in Catholicism, I believe) or because they are simply repulsed by the thought of this liquid in their mouth. If you are one of them, you need to make sure that you pull your mouth away well in advance. If your husband reaches the "point of no return," he will begin ejaculation whether your mouth is there or not.

If you are willing to allow his ejaculate into your mouth, then you have to figure out what to do. First, you should know that swallowing semen is not in any way harmful to your body. Second, you might ask whether it would offend you if your husband gave you oral sex but made a big deal about disliking your lubrication. Third, if you don't want to swallow, be polite about spitting. Have a cup handy on the night table or somewhere nearby, hold the liquid in your mouth, and then spit it into the cup. You can always go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and/or use mouthwash to clear out the taste. For those willing to swallow, the consistency and taste of semen can vary; its consistency is maybe like a beaten egg but it tastes sweet to salty. If you're worried about your waistline, semen contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose and ranges between 5 to 25 calories -- hardly a diet killer.

What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don't like it? Will I have to do it again? There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it. That said, I suggest that you ask yourself what you didn't enjoy about the experience. Did you dislike certain sensations? Did your jaw hurt? (It might.) Is the problem something that could be adjusted the next time around? If you genuinely do not want to engage in this activity in the future, tell your husband. Try not to say something like, "That was so yuck!" He may take it personally that you don't want to make oral contact with his manhood. You can simply explain that you felt very uncomfortable and that you prefer other activities as part of your sex life. You might even suggest one. Perhaps you don't want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.

How can my husband help to make this a positive experience? I would say the first caveat is that you should be allowed to remain in control of your mouth. That is, if you need to pull away and take a break, then he should understand that. In a moment of extreme pleasure, a man might want to hold his wife's head and pull her mouth into him. This often isn't a good idea; men are stronger than they sometimes realize, and this action can make it difficult for the woman to control the motions in such a way that she remains comfortable throughout. Another point is that husbands should communicate what feels good. He can either talk you through it or make happy noises when you've hit a really great spot. You can even talk ahead of time so that he can show you on his penis where his most pleasurable places are. You can discuss how it felt afterward so that you know what worked best and what he might like next time. Finally, he can affirm you. A constant for many women is that we like to be appreciated when we go out of our way to do something. Well, here's an opportunity for a husband to say nice things about his wife for her willingness to focus the sexual experience on his pleasure. (Note: Some wives also get a lot of pleasure from giving blow jobs.)

For those of you who now need to want that image out of your heads, imagine this in your mouth instead:

I can definitely put all of that in my mouth.
Then it ends up around my waist.

So as nervous as I am to now open the floor, what do you think? Are any of these tips helpful? Do you have any of your own? (Note: I do moderate comments. You may wish to read my Comments standards.) Do you like or dislike oral sex? Have you even tried it?

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
--Songs of Songs 2:3

Note: If your husband has a sexually-transmitted disease or you are worried he may have one, then you should not perform oral sex on him since STDs can spread with oral-genital contact.

Link: For a discussion on whether oral sex is okay in God's eyes, see Intimacy in Marriage's post on Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral Sex.

Why Wait Until Marriage?

2012-02-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

This is a unusual for me, but rather than writing a post on why you should wait to have sex in marriage, I'm referring you to sources that discuss this topic. However, all four of these relate to me.

First, Preengaged from Eric and Heather Viets asked me to do a couple of guest blog posts for their site. Eric and Heather offer pre-engagement counseling, and their posts are particularly good for couples who are dating, engaged, or recently married. That said, I've been married a looooong time, and I get a lot of out reading what they discuss as well.

Back in August, I did a two-part article for their blog on Sex Before Marriage. I discussed eight reasons why it isn't a good idea.

Sex Before Marriage, Part 1

Sex Before Marriage, Part 2

Second, another wonderful marriage resource is the Stupendous Marriage Show (which I've mentioned here before). Stu and Lisa Gray host this podcast and cover all kinds of marriage topics. In their program, they admitted to having lived together before getting hitched and said that they wished they had done it differently. Out of curiosity, I sent them the following email:

Stu & Lisa,

I have a question. You have mentioned several times on your Stupendous Marriage show that you lived together before marriage; however, you said that would do it differently if given the chance to do it over again. My question is: Why?

Is it merely the conviction that waiting until your wedding night would honor God more? Or do you think it hampered your relationship in some way? I know that studies show a higher divorce rate for those who have cohabited prior to marriage, but a lot of people still believe cohabitation is a good idea to try the waters out and get used to living with someone. What do you think?

Thanks so much for your ministry. It is a blessing to couples seeking stronger marriages.

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

They did an excellent job of answering this very question in Stupendous Marriage Episode 27. Stu and Lisa then followed up with more commentary after receiving feedback from a listener. That conversation is in Stupendous Marriage Episode 28.

As you may know, I blew it on this front. My Personal Testimony is at the top of this page if you want to click it and learn more. However, I have figured out that God really does know what He's talking about: Sexual intimacy is worth waiting for.

One more addition, which has nothing to do with me: Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum recently posted Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love? Sheila has a lot of sound advice for women and marriage.

I'm also guest posting today at the Mystery 32 Blog on

What's So Beautiful about Marital Intimacy?

Yada, Yada, Yada...Talking During Sex

2012-02-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

Awoman recently told me that her husband talks the whole time they arehaving sex. “Really?” I asked. “The whole time? Whatdoes he say?” I immediately followed with “Never mind” because I do not need to know what her husband says toher in the throes of passion.

Yet,I have read several sex books which encourage talking during maritalintimacy as a way to be romantic, to connect with one another, and tocommunicate what you do and don't like in lovemaking.

Irelate to saying sweet nothings to one another, making suggestive andplayful comments during foreplay, and speaking up if body parts needto be adjusted for comfort or pleasure. However, talking duringlovemaking does not come naturally for a lot of us. It canfeel contrived.

Let's see,you wonder, do I comment on his manhood? His technique? Howmuch I like to run my fingers through the tufts of hair on his chest?(But not the hair on his tush.) Is now the time to introduce a new nickname, likeSuperLover or Mr. Spectacular?

Beyonduttering your spouse's name, an “ooh, baby” here and there, what is there to say?

Moreover,as loquacious as I am at all other times, there are climactic momentsin sex with my husband during which I can't come up with my own namemuch less a full sentence in the English language. I'm lucky to get“Yes! Yes!” out of my mouth. Am I the only one?

Interestinglyenough, the husband and wife in Song of Songstalked . . . a lot. They jabbered about one another's bodies, howthey felt, and what they wanted to do.

An example of what She says from Song of Songs 4:16:

Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.

Or what He says from Song of Songs 7:6-9:

How beautiful you are, and how pleasing
O love, with your delights!
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.

Frankly, I'm trying to practice this more. While groaning and gasping are far more second-nature to me than citing poetic passages, I admit that those lines are pretty sexy. I have also been told that husbands can be very turned on by their wives saying aloud what they want. Now I'm not in favor of talking dirty (see my Talking Dirty vs. Talking Flirty), but I believe that husbands would love to hear such lines like:

"The way you touch me makes me wet."
"Can we do that thing again that made me so hot the other night?"
"You are so manly, I can't get enough of your body."
"I want you inside me."
"You are an amazing lover."
"I love being connected like this. I really feel that one flesh."

I will confess to having a few times when a word like "ride" has made an appearance. Before you judge my linguistic prowess, may I remind you that the Lover in Song of Songs says the following of his wife: "I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh" (1:9). Not exactly Robert Browning, in my opinion, but she seemed to like it.

So whatever works for you. Yet some verbal description, compliments, invitations, and commentary may turn up the heat a little for you in the bedroom. You can even ask your hubby what kinds of comments he likes to hear during your sexual activity. I discovered a little more myself when my husband and I discussed this post.

Give it a try! Chat a little during sex. You might be surprised what you each have to say.

When My Sex Life Sucked - Part 2

2012-01-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I started sharing lessons I learned from the time in my marriage when our sex life sucked. In the years surrounding my pregnancy and infant-caring, my sex drive was largely absent while my husband still wanted to go at it like soap opera characters.

Anyway, the first set of lessons involved what the wife could do herself to maintain a good sex life during those trying years. Now I'll suggest a few things that couples can do.

Approach parenting as a WE thing. John Gottman, the well-known marriage researcher, has a fabulous section on this topic in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He reports that "in the year after the first baby arrives, 70 percent of wives experience a precipitous plummet in their marital satisfaction." We might expect this is related to fatigue, stress, health issues with a baby, etc. However, the key is "whether the husband experiences the transformation to parenthood along with his wife or gets left behind."

Having a baby is life-altering for most women, but not necessarily for some men. I was blessed to stay at home with my babies. However, that meant that my life was suddenly in a whole other place 24/7. Meanwhile, my husband kept going to work and living a lot of his life the same. He had added a baby to the mix, where the baby was everything in my daily life. I wish I had invited him into the parenting experience better, and frankly I wish he had jumped into it more assertively. We could have made our early parenting years more of a WE thing and thus lessened the burden on me. These days, we have a far more integrated approach to parenting our kids.

How would that have helped our intimacy? Well, that shared experience would have increased intimacy outside the bedroom and allowed us more time and desire to be inside the bedroom together.

Communicate openly about your sex life. My husband did not talk to me about how much he missed our intimacy. He was trying to be patient and understanding on that account and went without for longer periods than he should have. I in turn did not communicate what I was going through, or when I did, it was more like a pity party than an invitation to improve our sexual relationship. I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that other couples do this too. Instead, couples need to honestly discuss concerns and look for ways to pursue satisfying intimacy.

Block out time for intimacy. Pre-children, most couples can make love just about anytime they want. After our workdays, we could have sex in the afternoon, evening, nighttime, morning, whatever. We could also do it in our bed, on the living room rug, in the shower, on the kitchen table, whatever. The point here is that our sex lives were flexible and mostly spontaneous.

Yeah well, forget that. When you have babies in the house, you may need to actually schedule times for intimacy. Sure, there are opportunities for sponataneity as well -- like your child unexpectly falling asleep in his bouncy seat and you and hubby running to the bedroom for a quickie before baby wakes up crying. But if you wait for the time when lovemaking fits into the rest of your schedule, you may find yourself waiting too long. Intimacy needs to become part of the schedule.

Have date nights that include intimacy. If you have grandparents, relatives, or babysitters to care for your little ones, take advantage of that. If not, perhaps you could barter with another couple or start a babysitting co-op where several couples take turns watching the kids while the others get a date night. In fact, things got better with our sex life when we availed ourselves of such opportunities.

Be more creative with sexual activity. There were times during my hormonal changes that intercourse did not feel good. Sometimes, it even hurt. That should not have quelled all intimacy. There are other things you can do! Sensual massage, a hand job, oral sex, and other activities are sexually pleasing and intimate in nature. They shouldn't replace a sex life that involves intercourse, but they can enhance your sex life and carry you through periods when penetration isn't comfortable. Speaking of which, you may need to try different positions during pregnancy or after childbirth to find a comfortable one for the both of you.

That's a lot of lessons, huh? Summed up, though, I have learned how important it is to take care of yourself, communicate with your husband, and prioritize marital intimacy. That's true at any time in your marriage; however, with pregnancy or young children in the mix, there are special challenges that can easily become big obstacles to maintaining a healthy sex life in your marriage.

What challenges to your intimacy are you facing with pregnancy, babies, or young children in the home? If you have passed that phase, what did you learn? What do you wish you had done differently to keep the spark ignited?

When My Sex Life Sucked - Part 1

2012-01-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

I was tempted to title this post "When My Sex Life Sucked (and Not in the Good Way)" but decided that my junior high locker room humor probably didn't need to take main stage. After all, this is a serious subject.

If you've read even a few of my blog posts, you know that I am highly in favor of marital intimacy. I flat out love sex with my husband. I desire it. I welcome it. I sometimes initiate it. I revel in it. I thank God for it.

But lest you think that my marriage has always soared in the shake-your-groove-thing department, I will burst that fantasy bubble today. There was a time in my marriage when our sex life was gasping for air like a silent movie actress in a death scene. I had almost no sex drive, and he became very frustrated with my lack of interest.

When and why? It was around the pregnancy, childbirth, and infant years. That time was so hard on me and my body that I didn't have anything left for the sex area of my life. In hindsight, several things should have happened. In this post and the next one, I will share the lessons I gained in hopes that another couple might learn from what we through. The first set of lessons here involve what the wife can do to sustain, or even improve, physical intimacy in the marriage. In the next post, I'll speak more generally to couples.

Actively pursue personal health. When I was carrying babies, bearing babies, nursing babies, and caring for babies -- better known as the alien invasion years -- my body did not feel like my own. It was me, of course; however, my body had been irrevocably changed.

I'm going to interrupt myself and admit that I don't know whether all of the changes were due to pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones, or other issues such as sleep deprivation and stress. Having only gone the biological route, I don't know any other. I would presume that adoptive mothers can have the same challenges with an infant in the home.

For myself, however, my body was low on estrogen and likely testosterone as well. I should have told my doctor how I was feeling and asked to have a blood test checking for vitamin and hormone deficiencies. I might have even considered an anti-depressant during the most overwhelming months. Perhaps that seems extreme; yet a temporary boost of energy to make it through those tough months might have done wonders for me feeling better about myself as a mom and a wife, and I would have been more available for my husband and my child.

Continue to emphasize your role as wife. For the pregnant or new mom, almost all of your body's energy seems to go toward children. After having my hands on my child all day, and my child's hands on me, the last thing I wanted was for anyone to touch my body. Multiple children means that there are multiple hands on you -- some days making you feel like an octopus's plaything. When you finally tuck those sweet babies into bed at night and listen to their surrendered breathing, and then your husband comes from behind and grabs your tush, your brain may scream, Get off, get off! Having another set of hands can feel like another set of demands.

But intimacy with my husband isn't a demand; it's a command from God, a way of being close with your spouse, and a sweet pleasure in its own right. I should have made more time and opportunity for those moments. I should have remembered that I was not only a mother, but a wife.

Let me be clear: I am not saying to ignore your parental duties. But I didn't let my first child cry for a full minute before I was in there taking care of my little one. My infant always had my attention first. Looking back, it might have been okay to shove in some ear plugs, have a fun quickie, and then go get the fussy baby out of the crib. It's easier to put off your husband's needs since he is less likely to wail like a banshee for attention like your kids. But the need to be intimate doesn't go away merely because you now have a tangible, physical result of intimacy.

Make sure your "Me Time" includes rejuvenating activities, not merely escapism. I took breaks from my kids, but the activities didn't necessarily energize me. We all have activities that give us a respite from our daily ho-hum, and others that make us feel alive. Those two things are different. Escaping with a good film is fun, but for me reading and writing light a fire in my belly. Attending musical events and singing enliven me. Spending time in nature and dancing make me aware of my senses and surroundings.

But as much I love my scrapbooks, attending scrapbooking crops were social gatherings that I enjoyed but they didn't refresh me. They drained me more and kept me in mom-baby mode as I slapped on picture after picture of my precious little ones. I wish I had taken piano lessons or joined a book club or started this blog back then. Of course, scrapbooking may be just the thing for you, or karaoke, or roller derby. The point is to find something that energizes you outside your role as mom. You'll always be mom, but you are more than that as well.

Do things to make yourself feel sexy. It's hard to make that mental transition from Mommy with the children to Hot Mama for the husband. I wish I had taken more time to have a bubble bath, get a massage, find pretty lingerie to fit my differently-shaped figure, or have a glass of wine or herbal tea now and then to tune into my body. I now know how important it can be to find those activities that trigger feelings of sensuality and self-confidence.

Despite the changes that happen in a woman's body from childbearing, she is usually still very sexy to her husband. In fact, some husbands find their wives even more appealing after having seen the miracle that grew in her body. The female form is beautiful, and young moms may need some extra time to reconnect with their sexiness so that they can feel good about themselves in the arms of their husband.

It can feel selfish to indulge in these ways. After all, you don't want to neglect your children just to luxuriate with Calgon. However, your children will be blessed by having a mother who has a great sex life with their father. And you are still totally hot! Tap into that and enjoy it.

Ultimately, all of these suggestions are about taking care of yourself. The responsibility of caring for a tiny little one (in and out of the womb) can be overwhelming for a woman. Your whole life is changing in a way that rivals an Extreme Home Makeover episode. Forget that. It surpasses tearing your home to the ground and rebuilding it. It is big.

It's also wonderful in the long run to be Mom. However, as easy as it might be to get consumed by parenthood and lose yourself in the role of mother, you will have a child in your home for eighteen or so years and a husband in your home for hopefully many more. (I'm going for golden anniversary. How about you?) It is not selfish to prioritize your health, your personal identity, and your marriage. In fact, if anything, you will be a better parent for adding mother to your roles but remaining the fabulous you that you already are.

How well are you doing in balancing motherhood and self-care? Do you still feel sexy to your husband? Have you struggled with physiological changes?

Do Your Friends Support Your Sex Life?

2012-01-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about sex.

I have an uncanny ability to find myself in conversations about sexuality with girlfriends. I'm not always the one to introduce the topic, but I am comfortable discussing it. God blessed marriages with physical intimacy, and I want to encourage couples to fully enjoy this gift and make it an integral part of their relationship.

However, many Christian women speak out against sex rather than for it. Sometimes it's a comment made with presumed jest: "I told my husband he couldn't touch my girly stuff until after he touched up the paint job." Or a complaint: "I can't walk through the room in a nightgown without him attacking me." A statement of indifference: "I don't care for sex, but we have it a couple of times a month." Or even a negative declaration: "I hate sex, and I would be happy if we never had it again."

To be honest, most of my friends think I'm as rare as an albino alligator -- a Christian wife who loves sex. Good gracious! I should be put on display and tour the country. In fact, I recall a specific conversation with close girlfriends that turned to the topic of marital intimacy. I put in my two cents and was dismissed by another lady who joked, "We can't ask you; you like sex."

Standing up for rockin' sex in marriage can be a lonely endeavor. At times, it has felt futile. No matter what I say, some gals seem determined to treat sex like an obligation or a bartering tool in marriage.

Speaking of "futile," sometimes I wish I could set myself up as the Borg Queen of Marital Intimacy. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We could just suck in the naysayers one by one and make them realize how terrific physical intimacy can be in a marriage when it's working as God intended. But alas, I don't think I could pull off the hairdo.

Star Trek Queen of the Borg

Thank goodness that I do have beautiful women of God in my life who, like me, are on God's plan for sexuality in their marriage. For instance, my best friend lets me bounce blog post ideas off her and has offered some terrific wisdom. She and her husband have their own story of challenges, but she has pursued healthy sexuality in her marriage as part of God's blessing from Day One and reaped the benefits. There are fellow female bloggers who speak well of sex in marriage (Kate Aldrich, Lori Byerly, Sheila Gregoire, and Gina Parris among them). In particular, I thank God for my growing friendship with Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage, a woman whom I respect and who can put me in stitches with her brand of humor.

I think every Christian woman needs others in her life willing to speak out in favor of marital intimacy. Too often, we can find ourselves in conversations with people who intentionally or unwittingly diminish the importance of great sex with our husbands. It is not biblical to refuse your spouse. It is not biblical to make your husband drag you to the bedroom (symbolically, of course). It is not biblical to participate in intercourse like it's your child's first band concert (You're only there for them, and you hope it's over quickly). It is not biblical to discourage your friends from having what God designed for them -- a healthy sex life with their mate.

Instead, I want to hang out with some gals who find sex in marriage to be hot, holy, and humorous -- like I do. It is indeed all of those things. I am blessed to have girlfriends who encourage me to make it hotter, holier, and humorouser. Oh wait, not that last one. I do that on my own.

Do you have friends like that? Do your friends encourage you to have the right attitude? Do they give you tips when you need them? Have they suggested you seek help or get answers when there are problems? Do your friends support your sex life? And are you that kind of friend?

By the way, Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum did a recent post about the oddity of finding herself being a "sexpert" after she wrote and talked about intimacy. Great read: How Do I Get Myself into These Things.

Bedazzled, Bothered, and Bewildered

2012-01-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

I recently learned a new word that I want to share with you. Let's see if you know its proper definition.

To vajazzle is:
a. To wear bedazzled lingerie
b. To do a strip tease to jazz music
c. To decorate female private parts with bling-bling

If you immediately answered C, good for you. If like many more readers, you cringed when you read C, welcome to my original response.

Apparently, vajazzling is a new trend! It's a take on the bedazzling phenomen, only with girly parts. If you don't know what bedazzling looks like, here are a few examples:

A bedazzled cap.

A bedazzled jacket.

Bedazzled nails.

You can also bedazzle purses, shoes, tote bags, belts, and . . . skin.

So imagine taking those little shiny adhesive beads and attaching them to your private area.

After discovering this word (through a writer friend), I did a bit of online research. Apparently, vajazzling has been mentioned on reality shows and by celebrities. There are websites devoted to this process and how it works. You probably have some of the same questions I did, so I'll share what I learned.

What kind of bling-bling is used? They are "body crystals," somewhat like the ones used on nails.

Where do the crystals go? You can put them in other places, like around your waist or on your abdomen, but for vajazzling they typically go on the clean-shaven or waxed area above the clitoris. They can be small designs or extend across the triangle shape of a woman.

What kind of sticky stuff is used? Eyelash glue and spirit gum were mentioned, as well as a resin-based glue. The adhesive used is especially for skin, although some might still have an allergic reaction to the substance if sensitive to it.

How long do they last? From what I could tell, maybe five days. Like other stick-ons, friction and moisture wear out the adhesiveness.

Do they interfere with intercourse? Because of their placement well above the vagina, they shouldn't.

Who puts the crystals on? You can do it yourself (kits are available) or get it done professionally at a salon.

Why on earth would anyone do this??? Yes, this is the question I asked myself. So I had a nice chat with the hubster. It went a bit like this:

Me: Why would a woman want to vajazzle? Is that an appealing idea to men?

Hubs: Well, it would draw attention to the area.

Me: I thought guys were already pretty much drawn to that area. You need more?

Hubs: Well, it's like an invitation. Like you decorated to let us know you want to have sex.

Me: You need an invitation? How big of a hint? Like should I arrange beads in the shape of an arrow? Write a message down there?

Hubs: I'm not saying I want you to do that. I just understand why some people would.

Me: [Sigh]

Seriously, I am wondering who is doing this. Because it took me a while to go for the idea of landscaping at all down there (see Trimming the Hedges). Now I'm supposed to slap on some bling-bling? I wonder if I could use the sequins from my kids' craft projects and some Elmer's.

One final question about vajazzling:

What about the guys? Shouldn't husbands be decorating their man parts? Where's the fairness here? Well, as a matter of fact, there is something called pejazzling. The husbands can get in on this trend too.

Now there's another interesting question for the wives: Do you think your man should glam it up a bit? Get on a bit of shine? Sparkle a little?

Let me know what you think of this new trend. Have you heard of vajazzling? Have you done it? Do you think wives (and husbands) should consider it?

If You Could Write the Vows Now

2012-01-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

I have attended quite a few weddings in my life and remember the usual vows taken in these ceremonies. Here's a sample:

"I take you to be my lawful wedded wife/husband, promise to love and cherish you, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, and forsaking all others keep myself only unto you, for so long as I live."

But what do those words mean? Love. Cherish. Sickness. Health. Richer. Poorer. Better. Worse. How do those get lived out day after day, year after year, for the rest of your lives together?

Now I'm not a big fan of the old sitcom Roseanne starring Roseanne Barr and John Goodman. However, there is a scene that has stuck with me. In one episode, the characters Dan and Roseanne Connor have accompanied two friends to Las Vegas for help them get married. At the end of the friends' ceremony, Dan and Roseanne - who have been married for many years - have a chance to renew their vows. Check out the scene. (I'll wait.)

Having been married quite a few years now myself, I wonder about rewriting the vows. Should the vows be more descriptive, more practical, more blunt?

More specifically, how about the line above "forsaking all others keep myself only unto you"? Yes, we pledge that, just as many of us understand the commandment "You shall not commit adultery" (Exodus 8:14). But what does that look like in marriage?

My focus on this blog has been sexuality within marriage, and I have heard the struggles of couples who love each other in many ways but are not loving and cherishing as God expects in the bedroom. So I wonder if I went for the Roseanne model and reworded the wedding vows to be more detailed, what could that look like?

...forsaking all others keep myself only unto you. Not only will I "keep it in my pants" around others, so to speak, but I will actively avert my eyes from things that might pull my sexual attention away from you. I won't look at pornography or ogle others of the opposite sex. I won't compare you to people from my past or characters in a movie, TV show, or book. I will make myself sexually available to you and you alone. If I am disinterested in being with you intimately because of my history or hormones or depression or whatever other cause, I will communicate with you and seek help to remedy the issue. I will take my time to develop an intimate relationship with you. I will approach our intimacy as an "us" thing, not merely as a get-me-satisifed thing. I will not demand that you perform sexual acts with which you are uncomfortable, but I will also remain open to ideas that do not contradict God's Word. I will do what I can to maintain my health and appearance, and I will focus on your attractive qualities and recognize that bodies change and age happens. I will learn about your body and my body, about sexuality in general, and most importantly about God's desire for our intimate life together. I will make time for you and our physical intimacy. I will do everything in my power to make it easy and joyous for you to keep yourself only unto me.

Frankly, I would put a few more things in there like "I promise to never wear another pair of whitey-tighties" (don't like 'em) and "I promise not to fart in bed" (that kills the mood). Maybe you have a few of those too.

And off the topic of sex, I might add getting stuff actually into the laundry hamper, killing the roach without mocking my scream, and not ever-ever wearing that ugly sweater that you know I hate. Then again, I'm sure my husband would have a long list for me!

But kidding aside, we should think about our vows - what they really mean. We promised something to our spouse at the altar. Yes, we said that we would stay together "for better or worse" but we want more of our marriage to be better than worse. We want to always seek that loving, cherishing, keeping to one another experience. What would it look like if we carried out our vows fully, becoming one flesh daily and not simply on that one ceremonial day?

If you could say your vows again, what would you say or want said by your spouse? How would you describe your wishes for your intimate life with your mate?

Wrong Reasons to Have Kids

2012-01-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

It's not about sex today. It's about marriage and parenting. (I can talk about other things. Really.)

I recently gave some thought to how unprepared I was for mommyhood and how overwhelmed I was in the first few years. I wish I could say that I have always been one of those beautiful Christian women who craved motherhood and handled it with aplomb and constant thanksgiving.

How many of those women are there, though? A lot of moms have discovered the hard way that parenting is not for sissies.

Can any of you moms relate?

Listen, I am thrilled to be a mommy. However, I am nothing if not a blunt realist when it comes to how challenging it can be at times. So I thought I'd give my take on reasons people sometimes give for wanting children and how oh-so-very-wrong they are.

Having children will bring us closer. Indeed, there were be times when Mommy and Daddy look at each other in that "We're in this together" or "You're such a great parent" moment. But for the most part, embarking on parenthood will not immediately bring you closer.

Having children can divide you. For one thing, they sap all of your energy and time. Infants keep you awake at night and stress you with their seemingly endless crying at times, such that you'll turn into a snapping turtle with anyone who gets in the way of your peace and sleep (e.g., your husband). If you think that they grow out of that entirely, just talk to the parents of teenagers - whose lose sleep from later bedtimes, more activities, and anxiety as their kids are making bigger and bigger decisions.

Your family differences will emerge. He grew up with lenient parents and he turned out okay; you grew up with strict ones and now you appreciate them for it. Or whatever the mix happens to be. He thinks boys should play football, you think that sport is the equivalent of Mad Max's Thunderdome. He's Lutheran, you're Baptist; what about the kids? He waited until Christmas morning to open presents, and your family always opened some on Christmas Eve. Believe me, your families of origin, traditions, and expectations will come into play when children become part of the mix and you have to iron out what kind of family you want to be.

Children themselves will try to manipulate you. Those conniving little munchkins are amazingly good at learning who to hit up for what they want. Growing up, if I wanted a parent to buy me something, I'd ask dad. If I wanted freedom to do something, I'd ask mom. It's not easy day after day to display a united front, especially if you don't agree with your spouse's take on things. Your kids hone in on that like a laser beam.

I want someone to love and need me. They will need and love you . . . for the first several years of their life. However, young children are mostly focused on how much you love them. They want their needs met. And as they grow, your child's admiration for SuperMommy may fade a bit. By the teenage years, they love you, but they may also be embarrassed for you to show your face anywhere within a one-mile radius of their friends. And when you put your foot down and say NO to them, some kids have been known to say "I hate you!" or "You're ruining my life." Yes, they will love and need you, but it won't always be expressed the way you wish.

I am tired of dealing with birth control, so I'll let God figure it out. If you can't be bothered to discuss birth control options and choose a good one for yourselves, you are not ready to be a parent. Believe me, you'll be far more bothered by waking up at 1:30 a.m. to care for a child whose vomiting reminds you of The Exorcist. If you don't want to use an external tool, try natural family planning (e.g., Sheila Gregoire's article discusses the fertility awareness method).

It's that time in our lives. Everyone around you is having children, or this is the time you wrote on your life calendar that you would be starting a family, so you might as well. This is where your mother's "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" question is spot on. If everyone in your neighborhood is installing roofs, and you haven't laid a foundation yet, it's too soon for a roof. You have to look at your own house and see if it is ready for the addition of children. Remember Psalm 127:1: "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain."

So . . . I make it sound like having children is a fate worse than being stuck at Wal-Mart on Black Friday (without pepper spray), right? It isn't. Children are a blessing from God (Psalm 127:3). However, it's best to make sure that our marriages are ready. Indeed, it would be better for couples to prepare their relationships before marriage and work hard in their first months of marriage to ensure that they are ready if God decides to surprise! plop a sweet little one into their laps.

That said, here are some great reasons to become a parent.

We are secure in our marital closeness and want to add our circle. A husband and a wife are a family. They need to be a well-grounded family before they add new members. But most couples who have established a good relationship start yearning to have more in their household - to build the house up with children. Each child will change the dynamics of a family somewhat, but whether one or nine children come through the home, the husband and wife are the cornerstones who remain throughout.

Pic from www.belief.net

We have overflowing love to give to a child. There really is something to that feeling of "I love you so much, I want to have your baby." Paul Anka expressed it as well in his famous song, "You're having my baby, what a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me." I adore seeing the traits that warm me about my husband showing up in my children. Many couples also approach raising children as a ministry (which it is because you will spread the Word of God to these little ones in your care). They embark on parenthood as a calling to create a life, then share the love of God with the child and raise her to become a living witness for God's glory.

We have planned for our future with a family. Those of you who are already parents, raise your hand if this experience has cost more than you expected. Okay, we are all waving our arms like Superbowl fans here. The time, effort, and money to raise a child will require sacrifice in other areas and a huge dose of responsibility. Take a little inventory on your resources and see if you're up to the task. Now let me tell you: You are not up to the task. No one is. You can't wait until everything's perfect because it never will be. But you do need to have a general plan for feeding, clothing, and caring for the little guy. What you still lack, you can ask God for in (constant) prayer.

It is the right time in our lives. It's up to you to know when you are ready. Prepare your marriage for it. Plan for it. Pray about it. Then jump in.

I'm wholly in favor of having children. I know some wonderful married people who have chosen not to, and they have been called to other great things. But relationships stretch us. Having children can teach you patience, empathy, and selflessness like few other experiences can. I love my children with parts of me that I didn't even know existed, and this has taught me a lot about how my Heavenly Father approaches His own children. Moreover, lying next to my kid at night with the kid's arms around my neck and me brushing the hair back from that sweet face melts my heart into a pulsing puddle.

Plus, we parents want the rest of you to know that joy of watching Barney & Friends, attending a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, and picking up 12,000 Legos or Barbie shoes out of the carpet. Mwahahaha.

So what are the criteria you think are important for having children? What advice would you give to new parents or couples thinking of having children?

Note: Check out a recent report from the National Marriage Project (University of Virginia) about thriving in marriage after the baby comes.

Honors & Hi-Fives

2012-01-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

Honors

I feel a bit like this:

I'm not pageant pretty, but I was definitely honored at the end of 2011/beginning of 2012 with some kudos from fellow marriage bloggers. It feels a bit like getting a tiara! (I don't have a tiara. Even though my sister once asked, "Doesn't every girl have a tiara?" I do have a banner from my high school prom, but that's another story altogether.)

Anyway, before I lose focus completely, let me say "Thank you so much!" to:

Lori at The Generous Wife who awarded me a Grow Your Marriage Award. She identified "a few blogs that continually stand out to me because of their quality and because of the heart of those who write them." Seriously, that is tiara stuff, people. I placed in the "Bravery" category (although my husband might label it "Frankness"). This category also includes wonderful fellow bloggers Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage with Lori saying, "these gals regularly (and with great insight) blog about female sexuality. It's a tough subject fraught with all kinds of issues and general embarrassment. You go, girls." Thank you, Lori.

AND TO

Sheila Gregoire at To Love, Honor and Vacuum for including FIVE quotes of mine in her 50 Best Marriage Quotes of 2011. (Who knew I actually said quotable stuff?) Sheila's list is a great resource, and I recommend you read it all the way through. There is a lot to think about there, and so much wisdom for marriages collected in one place. Thanks, Sheila.

If you haven't visited The Generous Wife; To Love, Honor, and Vacuum; or Intimacy in Marriage, I love what these ladies do in boldly speaking up for God's plan for marriage.

Honors out of the way, I proceed to Hi-fives. Some marriage experts and advocates whom I respect have recently come out with resources that you might want to know about. I am giving a hi-five to these folks for going the extra mile and producing helpful material for couples. I am not getting any kick-back for including these here (though if someone wants to throw $$ my direction, I'll leap for it like a bridesmaid going for the bouquet). Perhaps you'll add them to your To Be Read List for 2012, just as I am doing.

First Kiss to Lasting Bliss by Lori D. Lowe of Marriage Gems. This book "features the real-life stories of couples across the U.S. Many of them used adversity to improve their marriages. . . .You will get to know the couples and their often difficult journeys, as well as the keys to their now-strong marriages." First Kiss to Lasting Bliss is available in both print and ebook format.

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. This book isn't out until March, but I'm biting my fingernails in anticipation and you can pre-order it now. I love Sheila's Wifey Wednesday blog posts; they are frank, profound, and insightful. She boldly advocates for marriage on her site. Mark your calendar and keep your eyes open for its release. I will definitely let you know on my website when it officially comes out.

A Penny for Your Thoughts from Stu and Lisa Gray at Stupendous Marriage. "The Husband and Wife editions of A Penny For Your Thoughts EACH contain 99 questions you can ask your spouse. Ranging from family history to movies to music to sex." These are conversation starters to increase communication on a range of issues and deepen your relationship with your spouse. Each version (husband and wife) costs only 99 cents! At $1.98 for both of them, that's less than the vanilla hot chocolate I just ordered at the coffee shop and much more lasting.

Also, this past year, Stu and Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage and Gina Parris and Corey Allen of Winning at Romance and Simple Marriage respectively started podcasting shows. Both are free downloads. Check out The Stupendous Marriage Show and Sexy Marriage Radio.

What do you think? What resources do you recommend for improving your marriage? What particular book or blog has helped you?

ESPN Comes to the Bedroom

2012-01-05T07:30:00.001-07:00

So given my quirky sense of humor, I had this odd moment when I started wondering: What if there were sports announcers in your bedroom during your times of marital intimacy? What would they say about your “game”? How would it sound if ESPN sent a statistics guy and a color commentator to cover how it’s going for you and your spouse? Are you having a winning season? Or could you use a little extra coaching?

And then, I started writing! Having a blog gives me space to write out any strange notion I have and see if it can help someone else out there.

Bill Color: Well, Larry, it looks like we’ve got a great game ahead of us today.

Larry Stats: That’s right, Bill. This couple has played 317 times before, and they’ve got their game down pat.

Bill Color: It looks like the same scene we’re used to by now. He’s pretty confident out on the field now. He’s several seasons in.

Larry: He does seem to be swaggering onto the field. Admittedly, he has scored 315 of the 317 times he’s played. Let’s see how it goes this time.

Bill: He’s beginning to interact with his teammate. His start is somewhat predictable.

Larry: Yes, we’ve seen this move a number of times. It seems like his go-to play. Not a lot of a flare, but I suppose it gets the job done.

Bill: Yeah, but I gotta wonder if he doesn’t have more in him. You know, if he could vary the play a little more and deliver a bigger impact. I’m looking for a little risk-taking here.

Larry: I know what you mean, but I don’t think taking risks is what this player needs. He needs to read his teammate better – figure out what the best move is in the moment. Pay more attention to where she might be the most receptive.

Bill: Well, she doesn’t look that receptive right now. She seems focused elsewhere. I’m not even sure she wants to be in this game right now.

Larry: You’ve got that right, Bill. She’s an inconsistent player. In fact, 223 of the 317 times these two have come up against each other, she hasn’t really been in the game. It’s like she’s expecting him to score on his own.

Bill: This is a team, for heaven’s sake. Where’s the teamwork?

Larry: What this team needs is to listen to their Coach more. Study the playbook. Get a better game plan.

Bill: Sure, technique and a game plan would certainly help, but if players are only in it for themselves . . . They aren’t cooperating like they should.

Larry: Oh no, we have a flag on the field.

Bill: What do think the call is? What happened out there?

Larry: Could be holding. Or blocking.

Bill: It’s called a false start. Apparently, she wasn’t ready at the line, but he thought it was time. He’s antsy. Hard to stay patient, you know. He’s aching to cross that goal line.

Larry: True, Bill. True. This guy is usually focused on the goal line, but this is a down-by-down game. Every play counts.

Bill: Wait. She’s leaving the field, Larry. What’s going on? Doesn’t she know we’re in the middle of a game here?

Larry: She’s called a time out. I guess we’re waiting for the next couple of minutes while she regains her composure.

Bill: That guy looks fidgety. He can hardly wait for her to get back in the huddle.

Larry: Well, at 211 pounds, he is a force to be reckoned with. But he’s also fast on his feet. If she’ll work with him, I’m pretty sure he’ll run this next play all the way to the in-zone.

Bill: She’s coming back in.

Larry: First and ten, Bill. It looks like he’s revving up.

Bill: Wait, Larry. I think I just saw a flash of excitement across her face. She may be in this game after all.

Larry: Her record is mixed, Bill, but she’s worth betting on. He might just help her score as well this time.

Bill: Looking better. Although I don’t particularly understand that last play.

Larry: Well, that’s a team favorite. It doesn’t work for everyone, of course . . .

Bill: They are going for it! Check it out there. It isn’t the prettiest game I’ve ever seen, but I think they are going to score!

It makes me wonder, how important is the finesse, Larry? How important is the heart? What exactly sets this team on fire?

Larry: Well, Bill, while you were talking, they made a goal.

Bill: What? Already?

Larry: Yes, Bill. I think we can put this one in the win column for him, and the show column for her. This level of play isn’t going to get them a bowl invitation. It’s enough to keep them in the running, but not enough to cinch the deal.

Bill: Well, there’s always the next game. We’ll be rooting for them then.

So what do you think ESPN commentators would say about your sex life? What kind of season are you having? How can you improve your “game”?

High Standards, Low Expectations: A Plan for 2012

2011-12-31T15:40:00.003-07:00

Pic from bridefinds.com

I have come to believe that a key to happiness is having high standards and low expectations. Let me explain.

A standard is a rule, principle, or requirement. It's where you set the bar. In marriage, I have chosen to set the bar high. God sets the bar high. That verse, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48)? God realizes you'll never get there, but the standard of perfection, sinlessness, unselfish sacrifice, and perfect First-Corinthians-13 love is out there. It's what we aim for.

Too many couples settle for less than what God desires for them. They have decided that their relationship will never be terrific, that no one will love them fully, that sexuality will be ho-hum, that the goal of life is to just get through and hope that the afterlife makes up for what this one lacked.

Instead, I would challenge you to set a higher standard. In the area I write about - sexuality - aim for exciting, fulfilling, connecting intimacy with your spouse. If you don't currently have a high desire, believe that there is an answer to increasing it. If you have struggled with your sexual past, believe that healing can come. If pornography has invaded your marriage, believe that it can be shown the door. If your spouse doesn't find you attractive (or vice versa), believe that you can rekindle that fire. If you haven't had an orgasm, believe that you will.

Is it easy to achieve all of your dreams? Of course not. But if you aim at nothing, you will hit it with remarkable accuracy every time (Zig Ziglar). If you decide that you want something better and you are willing to make an effort, seek answers, get help, and work toward a more fulfilling life, you will likely hit the target on at least some of your goals. If every year you resolved to make your marital sex life better, imagine how good it could get over time!

And now comes part two of my theory - low expectations. To expect something is to regard it as likely to happen. If you write AMAZING SEX LIFE on a target, do not expect to hit a bull's-eye the first time - or the second time. High standards are great, but if you pair them with high expectations, you will probably be disappointed.

For one thing, a great marriage takes a lot of intentionality and work (for all but a few super-blessed couples). We are flawed human beings with selfishness, personal scars, defensiveness, and misperceptions. We can make amazing progress toward our goals, but we usually get there with baby steps. Still, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (ancient Chinese proverb).

Second, you can only control yourself. You can suggest to your spouse to work on communication, finances, or sexuality in your marriage, but you cannot make your spouse do what you want like a remote-controlled robot. You can pray that their sexual desire will increase, that they will take care of their body, that they will stop watching sports over your shoulder while you copulate. However, there are no guarantees.

In fact, if you lower your expectations of your mate, you become more aware of the small improvements. Sure, you're not there yet, but you're moving in the right direction. Standing in long lines for the roller coaster at an amusement park, the waiting is bearable because you can look around and see how far you've moved. Maybe you're not in the front with your hands up and screaming as your coaster car takes that first dive, but you have made progress and know the fulfillment of your wish to ride the roller coaster is coming soon.

By the way, I am not suggesting that you lower your expectations to the point of letting your spouse abuse you in any way. Those aren't lowered expectations; they are no expectations at all. It is a reasonable expectation to receive humane treatment in your own marriage. I'm talking about not drawing your attention to every flaw in your mate.

So that's the goal I suggest to couples in pursuing better sexuality in marriage for 2012:

Higher standards - knowing that our Heavenly Father loves His children and wants the best for them; and

Lower expectations - knowing that marriage and life are marathons, not sprints.

What do you think? What are your desires for your marriage - and specifically, your marital intimacy - for 2012?

The Wonderful Male Body

2011-12-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

Ooh, pretty!

I've taken some flack about a post I wrote some time ago (The One-Eyed Snake) about how wives do not typically find male genitalia at first to be, well, pretty. We are perhaps more likely to admire the beauty of a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes than a penis.

I wish to apologize to those who read my post and felt that I was encouraging distaste for the male body. Such was never my intention. In fact, at the end of the post, I encourage women to appreciate their husband's body - all of it. Yet, I need to take responsibility for what I said since it came across that way to more than one reader.

Indeed, if you were to interview my husband and ask what his wife thinks of his tool set, I'm pretty sure he'd say I'm very interested in seeing, touching, and otherwise handling it. (After drafting this post, I mentioned it to him. His words: "She can't keep her hands off my tools!" Er...) Isn't this a paradox? To me, it isn't. But I want to clarify what I believe about the male body and how I recommend wives view their husbands' bodies.

Men have physically appealing bodies. I stated in my original article that the experiment with Playgirl magazine never took off with women because staring at an unfamiliar guy's private parts isn't all that appealing to women. I still think that's generally true. However, if you're a Twitter user, you might be aware of the hashtag #mancandy. (NO, don't go there; I mention it only as an example.) Still, it's not hard to find pictures, posters, and magazines that feature men with their shirts off, their muscles taut, and their eyes and smiles sporting that "Come hither" look. Anyone else remember the Diet Coke guy commercials? Hello! Women find men attractive.

The male body is quite different from the female body. On average, men are 10-15% larger and 30% stronger. They are taller and have a greater muscle mass to body ratio and more upper body strength. They possess thicker skin (literally) and more body hair. They have stronger bones and larger vocal chords (Adam's apple). Even the skull shape of a man is different from a woman. The male skeleton also has a narrower pelvic opening, meaning that his hip bones are differently aligned.

All of these variations make the male physique intriguing. Most women enjoy gazing at a attractive man's body lines, muscles, strong chin with stubbly shadow or full beard, height, and so on. The male body appeals to the female sight - even if God didn't wire us as visually as men.

Men's bodies are potent. The features mentioned above and the male role in sexuality mean that husbands' bodies are potent. The male body's appeal is to some extent based on its ability to get the job done - whatever that job is. Husbands have traditionally been providers, fighters, protectors, roach and spider killers, and leaders. In the bedroom, they often take the lead (which I believe is good, although turning-the-tables can be a treat as well). Husbands penetrate their wives. God made men potent. Their bodies demonstrate that. And such potency appeals to women.

Synonyms for "potent" are "effective, powerful, forceful." I have likened my husband's private anatomy to a power tool. At first, a drill isn't a particularly exciting sight. But if you build a lot and learn about tools, you can start drooling over the new power drill that has greater potency and utility than any other on the market. Find a car buff and ask him about a particular car, and he might go on and on about all of its fabulous features and practically hyperventilate over the car's beauty. For a personal example, sometimes I get downright giddy about a font.

In a great sexual relationship, wives appreciate their husband's potency, and the male genitalia over time becomes more and more attractive because of the wonderful talent is has. It becomes a thing of great beauty.

Statue at Staglieno Cemetery, Genoa

Men's bodies should be appreciated. Wives should tell husbands what they love about their bodies. In the same way that women like to hear how beautiful they are, men want to hear that they are desired. God has designed us to find one another attractive and to express that in marriage.

In the Song of Songs (aka Song of Solomon), the husband is not the only one to describe how beautiful he finds his mate. His wife spills poetic as well. Read for yourself (5:10-16):

My lover is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.
His head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.
His cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold
set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with sapphires.
His legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars.
His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.

Wow. Wives should express what they find appealing about their husbands - including their genitalia. By itself, it may not be the prettiest thing you've ever seen, but in concert with your husband's body, it is a complete package that can be irresistible. Face it, wives: Your husband is a hunk. Tell him so.

from Zazzle.com

Wives can learn to love all the parts of their husbands' bodies. The first time I saw a penis, it was - sorry to say, in my opinion - weird. I truly didn't know what it was going to look like. I had some vague idea about its cylindrical shape, and that's about it. I still think it's kind of odd the way God created both male and female genitalia. (For the record, I don't think the gal parts are especially gorgeous either.)

However, our private parts are unlike anything else. And when you experience a great sex life with your spouse, you come to appreciate all of the parts of your lover's body. I delight in every single freckle and mole on my husband's body because they are his, I get to see and touch them, and they remind me of our special intimacy. Likewise, wives can learn to love all the parts of their husbands' bodies - for their physical attractiveness, their potency, their reminder of our closeness, and their fun.

If a wife hasn't learned to love everything, perhaps she needs to study her husband's body. For instance, take a bath or shower together and soap up all of his parts for him. Suggest spending an extended time of lovemaking in touching and kissing all over his body. Grab some lotion or oil and massage all of him, kneading your fingers through each section of his body.

Consider that God has knit your husband together, and he is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:13,14). God doesn't do bad work. In fact, when He created everything else in creation, He said it was "good." Only after He created male and female did He call His creation "very good."

I still don't want to see the penis of some guy I don't know. Period. (What was Anthony Weiner thinking?) But my husband's body is a beautiful gift from God. I hope that every wife can appreciate her husband's body . . . and tell him so.

"How handsome you are, my lover!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant."

Song of Songs 1:16

Quick Note: I will be taking a break on Thursday, December 29. Back on Monday, January 2. Happy New Year!

A Song of Songs Christmas

2011-12-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas. Click play to view my card to all of you.

You have my prayers for a safe and enjoyable season.

3 Practical Tips for a Sexier You

2011-12-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that body image is an issue for us gals? If we don't feel sexy, we don't want to have sex.

But short of spa treatments, a personal trainer, or plastic surgery, what's a lady to do when she wants to feel better about the beautiful body God gave her? You know, that body with love handles, wrinkles, varicose veins, or whatever.

Here are three things I've discovered that make me feel much better about myself - and they are pretty easy to do.

Exercise. I am not talking personal trainer, although if you have the money to spend, go right ahead. I mean being more active. For some, that may involve training to run a marathon; if so, good for you! For normal people like me who believe that long-distance running is only worthwhile when being chased by a persistent grizzly bear, it may mean aerobics, hiking, swimming, lifting weights, etc. If you're looking for a physical activity that suits you, Buzzle.com has some pretty good lists.

Run, walk, or whatever. Get moving!

Among 7 Benefits of Physical Activity are improved mood, more energy, better sleep, and spark in your sex life. According to Mayo Clinic, "Regular physical activity can lead to enhanced arousal for women. And men who exercise regularly are less likely to have problems with erectile dysfunction than are men who don't exercise." Well, okay then.

Exercise also helps control weight and tone muscles, meaning that we ladies will be sporting prettier bodies to show off to the hubby.

Looking good, feeling good, arousing good . . . what's not to like about those results?

Still, it's hard to get started if you haven't been moving much. Yet adding exercise a few times a week for 30 minutes or more isn't too much ask, especially when you'll feel sexier in the long run. Try Dustin Riechmann and Tony DiLorenzo's Fit Marriage if you're looking for an exercise program you can do with or without your spouse; their plan requires 30 minutes, 5 days a week.

Well-fitting clothes. It's a fact that a lot of you are wearing garments that are either the wrong size or do not flatter your body type. And you are much more beautiful than that! Whatever your personal style, there are clothes to enhance your best features and play down the ones you're not so crazy about.

Have thunder thighs? Don't wear skinny jeans. Arm fat? No sleeveless blouses. Muffin top? No tissue-thin stretchy tees. You get my point. Dress Your Body Type and other sites have tips for knowing what will look best on you.

Before & After from What Not to Wear
with Mayim Bialik, the actress best known as Blossom or
as Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory

Also get out of the rut of thinking "I'm a size 12." You may be a size 12 in some brands and a size 16 in others. You want something that fits, no matter what the number or letter on the tag says. You're the only one who sees that tag anyway. Since t-shirts have gotten smaller (have you noticed that?!), I've gone up a full size when buying. I want clothes that fit me, not an American Doll collection.

One more point here. Get a professional to help you determine your bra size. A well-fitting bra can make a big difference in how you feel about those beauties gracing your chest. If you're especially small or large-breasted, you may need to hunt down places that carry your size and pay more for your bras or watch for sales. Most department and lingerie stores will help you figure out the best size and style to make you look and feel good about your shape.

Posture. Did you ever think this would be on my list? However, posture has a huge impact in how you feel about yourself. Standing and sitting up straight not only relieves tension on your back and shoulders, but aligns your body parts in an attractive way. Look at celebrities when they appear on talk shows. Do they slump in their chairs?

The best way I've heard to create good posture is to imagine that you have a string running from your tailbone up through your spine and out the top of your head. Imagine pulling on that string to tighten it. Then take a deep breath and exhale completely. Your torso will stretch up and your shoulders will fall back and down. By the way, your back will not be completely straight with good posture; you have natural curves in your back which need to remain there.

Pic from Fitness for Life

When you have good posture, your tummy is tucked in, your chest is pushed out, and you feel relaxed. You show off the best you and appear more confident . . . and sexy. In fact, I had a male friend in college state that a woman's sex appeal is most tied to how she carries herself. I think there's something to that. I certainly know that I do not look my best slouched on the couch with potato chip crumbs littering my tummy pouch.

There you go: My 3 practical tips for a sexier you! Because when you feel better about how you look, you can strut into that bedroom with hubby and say, "You are lucky to have gorgeous me, and you are going to get lucky tonight."

He can strut later when the two of you are done. (Some guys do seem to swagger, don't they?)

So what are your tips for feeling better about your body? How do you help yourself feel sexy?

Where Should I Look during Sex?

2011-12-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

It's a simple question, right? Where should I focus my eyes during lovemaking with my spouse?

Okay, guys, stop snickering. You don't really have this issue of where to look because you are ogling your gal's body from top to bottom. I think it's hard-wired into you.

However, as a member of the more complicated female gender, I have wondered at times where I should look during The Act. All too often, I have opted for the eyes-closed version of sexual activity.

Now eyes-closed has its place in the bedroom, of course. Sometimes closing one's eyes allows a wife to block out external distractions and focus on her body's sensations - one of the keys, in my opinion, to having an orgasm.

Yet, there is something to be said for taking in the lovemaking with all five senses fully engaged. You can't really block smell, so that's already happening. (Sniffing to get a fuller whiff will probably make your spouse worry that you are transforming into a werewolf, so don't go there.) Touch is an automatic feature of physical intimacy. And unless you have earphones on (why would you?), you can hear what's happening. Adding a little background music as a soundtrack can be a good idea too. Kissing and licking means you also taste the experience.

But sight? We can choose to engage that sense or not. Here are a few places you might want to try looking. See what you think.

His eyes. This assumes, of course, that you are facing one another. So when you are, take some time to look into your hubby's eyes. Most of us find one another's eyes to be engaging and soulful. Eye contact communicates caring and attention. As you look into his eyes, you can also see the expressions on your husband's face - which will most likely be happy - thus increasing your own pleasure and sense of connection in the moment.

His body lines. Husbands and wives have very different body lines. Women curve in different places. It can be erotic to watch the edge of your husband's body, even tracing it with your finger, hand, lips, or tongue. Be aware of how your lover's body is different from yours and how curious and exciting his form is. Appreciate how God created him.

His pleasure areas. I did a post some time ago about how women are not typically as turned on by the sight of male genitalia as men are turned on by female genitalia. I still think that's true. However, it can be thrilling to watch the changes occur in your spouse as he becomes aroused. It is also a fascinating area of the body in terms of what it does. Take time to admire that.

Your body lines. As your hubby touches you, pay attention to your own form. As he strokes and kisses your arms, legs, stomach, or other parts, you can watch him touching your skin and see how your body is shaped in a way that arouses your husband.

Your pleasure areas. How many of you gals are willing to admit, "I like to watch"? - as in you like to watch your pleasure points as your husband stimulates them. There can be something doubly arousing about feeling and watching your lover touch and excite your private areas.

A mirror. If you have a large mirror available, give it a shot. You might enjoy looking over his shoulder and seeing your bodies melding together. You might peek at your wild and excited expression as you climax. If you really want to go out on a limb, get a magnifying mirror and be really impressed with your husband's size. (Just kidding. At some point, I couldn't play it straight anymore. Anyway.) Some couples enjoy viewing a reflection of themselves making love.

So where do you usually look? Have you thought about mixing it up and looking somewhere else? How well do you focus on your body, his body, and your togetherness during sexual activity? Any other suggestions for using sight in the bedroom?

10 Intimate Things to Enjoy for Christmas

2011-12-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

The Christmas season focuses on parties, decorating, shopping, cooking, and big-eyed children with wish lists as long as pythons. (Some children's lists may include "python." I've heard they make good pets.) The holidays can become a time of stress and even conflict between married couples. But we want to stay focused on keeping our love and intimacy strong.

So I racked my brain long and hard - or at least hard - and came up with some things you and your spouse can partake in together to bring you closer, emotionally or sexually, during this busy season. Here's my list of 10 Intimate Things to Enjoy for Christmas:

Pic from Nashville Christmas Lighting

10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour. Jump in the car with your spouse and take a tour through the neighborhood to look at lights. Or head to a local attraction - the port, the town square, the park - that has a light display. Talk about what you like as you view the lights and let the wonder of the season give you both a smile. Click HERE for a list of some Christmas lights attractions.

9. Hang Mistletoe...and Use It. Mistletoe has a history of being considered a fertility herb and an aphrodisiac. The tradition of kissing under mistletoe actually has its origins in mythology. These days, however, we recognize it as a cute plant that we hang up and smooch under for the sole reason that it's fun. So string it up around your house! On the tops of door frames, in entryways, or over your bed, put up a little mistletoe and invite your spouse to join you.

8. Listen to Love Songs. There are so many romantic songs for the holidays. From I'll Be Home for Christmas to All I Want for Christmas is You to Merry Christmas, Baby to Santa Baby, there is a lot of wonderful music you two can share over the holidays. A few other favorites of mine include A Christmas Love Song, Baby It's Cold Outside, and I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm. Make your own music collection and play some tunes as you snuggle by the fireplace in each other's arms.

7. Visit a Nativity Scene. As you gaze upon the Christmas story represented by a baby, mother, father, and visitors, take a moment to think about the role of Joseph and Mary. Talk about a loving couple! If you read the accounts in Matthew and Luke, you see that both were unselfish and intent on honoring God. Can you imagine the loving relationship those attitudes produced in their marriage? I believe that on the night Jesus was born, Joseph and Mary did what other loving husbands and wives do when their firstborn arrives: They held each other, stared at their infant in awe, and felt closer for having brought a child into the world. (Then they went home and said, "What have we got ourselves into!" But that's another story.)

6. Watch Romantic Movies. Several romantic movies are set during the Christmas season. Here are a few titles to consider: Christmas in Connecticut (1945), The Shop Around the Corner (1940, the inspiration for You've Got Mail by the way), While You Were Sleeping (1995), White Christmas (1954), Holiday Inn (1942), and Miracle on 34th Street (1947, 1994). And for those who crave action and can look way past the language, there's Die Hard (1988). (Okay, it isn't technically romantic or Christmas-y, but those terrorists take over the office building on Christmas Eve and Bruce Willis wants to protect his wife.)

5. Wear Santa-themed Lingerie. If you're game, you could play sexy Santa for each other. (Yes, I know that the real St. Nick was an actual saint, and I'm not trying to diss that image. But he didn't wear red & white fur either.) You can find Santa lingerie at a lot of stores this time of year. Imagine your honey in one of these:

4. Add a Sexy Gift to Your Wish List. How about deciding that hubby and wife will buy each other one sexy gift this year? You can have your own private gift-opening on Christmas morning (or Christmas Eve for an early present). It can be anything from lingerie to massage oil to a sex toy. Or buy a book about intimacy to read together, or a game with sexy ideas (The Pure Bed and other Christian retailers offer romantic games). If you suggest the idea ahead of time, it will create some anticipation of what your sweetie purchased and how you can enjoy it together.

3. Wrap and Then Unwrap Your Bodies. There are plenty of places on your body where a bow can be strategically placed. You can simply opt for ribbon and bows, or wrap yourself up in a sheet and add a fabric ribbon with a bow on top. You could even buy one of those huge gift bags or a giant stocking and tuck yourself in. Add a message tag if you wish with a flirty line like "You've been so nice, it's time to be naughty." The fun part, of course, is the unwrapping.

2. Read The Gift of the Magi by O'Henry. I LOVE this short story about a couple who are strapped for money and want to get the best gifts for one another at Christmas. This is love at its best, least selfish, and most satisfying. You can read the full story HERE.

1. Make Love. Okay, this isn't specifically a Christmas gift. It's a wonderful gift anytime of year. But great sex in marriage comes with a giving attitude. Set aside a time for the two of you to be sexually intimate and try to outdo each other in providing your spouse pleasure. Merry Christmas, Baby!

What ideas do you have for making this holiday season a romantic or sexy one? How can you use activities or gifts to bring you closer at a time when busyness threatens to bring stress and conflict? Got any favorite holiday movies or songs? Chime in!

A Letter to a Former Lover

2011-12-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

I saw my "first" the other day. I'll be honest: It rattled me. We merely traded hellos.

But you see, I amstill embarrassed by my past at times (MyPersonal Testimony). God hasgiven me a clean slate and blessed me with wonderful intimacy with myhusband. Yet I recognize that my past choices had consequences in my life and the lives of the guys involved with me. I have wondered what I might say to a man from my past who knows way more about me than he should. Perhaps some of you can relate.

DearFormer Lover,

Whenpeople ask what I would do over in life, one of my first answers is mypremarital sexual history. I wish Icould have a do-over for that moment when I sat in your car, kissing you and thinking somehow this time I would say no to doing more. I didn’t. I succumbed in the moment to my hormones, my physical desires, myemotions, whatever.

Ihad no exit strategy, no escape plan, nothing more than a pipe dream of saying“no” when it counted. You didn’teither.

Icheated myself and I cheated you out of what God desired for us sexually. When you finally met the love of your life,she wasn’t your first. My husbandwasn’t my first either.

Tryas we may, we cannot entirely forget the sexual experiences that preceded ourmarriages. I remember. You remember. And how I wish I could take all of thatback!

Godhas forgiven me. I know that in everyfiber of my being. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11has given me great hope and comfort: “Donot be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters noradulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nordrunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. Butyou were washed, you were sanctified, you were justifiedin the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” My past is what I was, but through JesusChrist, not any longer. My husband and Ihave a beautiful intimate relationship, and I am blessed to have a fresh startand a healthy sex life.

YetI wonder how it would have been if you and I hadn’t gone there. What if we had gone to the pizza placeinstead of parking in your car? What ifwe had watched a movie instead of making out? What if we had merely held hands and kissed? What if we had a chance todo it over again? Would we resist?

Iwould like to think we would. I wouldlike to believe that we have not only aged but have gained some wisdom. I’m sorry that I was so flippant back thenabout your innocence, your virginity, your sexuality. The reality is that I can’t take it back, butI pray that your life has been wonderful and will continue to be. I pray that God has renewed you and your wifeso that you can enjoy the fullness of His blessing of marital intimacy. And I pray that we can teach our childrenthat – while we didn’t get it right – waiting to be intimate with your spouseis extremely hard and totally worth it.

Onemore thing: Thanks for the flowers. Now that was a perfectly wonderful, young love thingto do!

If you have aless-than-perfect past, what would you say to a former lover? Do you still feel guilt, embarrassment, ornervousness when you consider these relationships? Have you encountered former loversface-to-face? What in your sexualhistory do you wish you could do over again?

One quick note: Stu & Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage announced the Top Marriage Blogs of 2011 List. Click HERE to see the winners. Congratulations to them all!

The Importance of Testimony (on my blog anniversary)

2011-12-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

While staring at the December calendar with the usual anxiety that faces me in the holiday crunch, I realized that December 5 marks a full year of blogging! Good grief, how did that happen?

In this past year, I have tackled various topics related to sexuality and marriage from a biblical and, let's face it, blunt point of view. But I started this blog with my Personal Testimony. And I've decided to mark my anniversary this way as well - highlighting the importance of our personal stories of difficulty, faith, healing, and victory.

As young children, we come into this world expecting everyone to cater to our needs, desires, and whims. Oftentimes, they do just that. However, it doesn't take too long before most of us realize that life isn't a fairy tale - or maybe that it is (in the original Red Riding Hood, the wolf swallows the girl).

Life is hard. This world is broken by sin and selfishness. We are challenged by natural disasters, physical setbacks, relational heartbreak, and the consequences of our own poor choices. Whether our wounds are delivered by others or self-inflicted, they hurt. Many of them hurt deeply.

We can lose sight of God...if we ever had Him in our view. We can feel that things are hopeless. We can wonder how it will ever get better.

Those of us who remain committed, who call on God's help, and who time and time again get back up and get back on track find that we emerge stronger than ever. Our faith and will have been tested, and with God's grace we have come out the other side.

My own testimony begins with a lost teenage girl looking for love in all the wrong places. Some people would have called me promiscuous, but the term I used in my own moments of stark honesty was "slut." By throwing intense physical closeness into the mix so early in my relationships, I made sure they all exploded within a few months. My heart broke over and over again, and my body was used for someone else's pleasure more times than I could count.

Finally, I stood at a fork in the road and had to make a decision. Go my own way, or get up again and recommit to getting this love thing right. By the grace of God, I can say that those days are a faint memory. My long marriage to my husband is a great one. I only have eyes for him. I am forgiven. I am whole. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

Moreover, I have a personal testimony as to how God pulled me off the road to self-destruction and bound up my broken heart.

A huge part of continuing to live out Christianity is having a personal story of how God has worked in your life. By now, I have several stories of God's work in me. After all, it isn't a one-time thing. Both faith in God and marriage require a daily commitment to doing the right thing and allowing God to mold you over time.

Through this blog, I now have a really cool testimony of how God has taken my broken places in the realm of sexuality and turned them into a ministry of encouragement and help for married couples.

I know people out there have their own stories of how God has worked in their lives. In fact, one of my favorite parts of blogging is hearing from readers. So many of you have amazing wisdom and our own personal testimony.

So here's the anniversary present I ask from readers: Briefly recount something God has done in your life, your marriage, your faith walk. Share your personal testimony with someone here. They might learn a lot from the rocky road you've been on and the victorious path you are now walking. I can't wait to read the comments!

Reminder: Top Marriage Blogs Voting Ends Today

2011-12-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

As I have said before, I'm a bit uncomfortable with ~~pimping~~ promoting my own blog. In college, I did a project for film appreciation class on the history of the Academy Awards. Back in the 1920s when they began, actors and actresses wined, dined, and gave extravagant gifts to the voters to increase their chances of taking home an Oscar. I don't want to be a schmoozer like that.

Yet I did think it appropriate to remind readers that today is the last day to vote on Stu and Lisa Gray's Stupendous Marriage website for the Top Marriage Blogs of 2011. There are almost 50 nominees, and the 10 blogs with the most votes receive the honor of making the final list. You may only vote once.

Vote for whatever blog you enjoy! If you do, or did, vote for Hot, Holy & Humorous, accept my heartfelt thanks. Ultimately, however, the great thing about this exercise is that it gets more readers to blogs that are promoting godly marriages and quality relationships.

I will continue to do what I do here at Hot, Holy & Humorous. And I am continually grateful for the faithful followers, the casual readers, and the oops!-how-did-I-land-here browsers.

LINK TO VOTING

Blessings!
J

"Blue Balls" & the Point of No Return: Man-Made Myths?

2011-12-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Duringmy dating years, there were two phrases men liked to bring up inan effort to convince women that they not only wanted but neededto have sex. I have long wondered about the veracity of their claims.Were they stating an objective fact? Twisting the truth a little?Telling an outright lie? Or did they believe wholeheartedlyin what they were saying? (As George Costanza on Seinfeldsaid, “It’s not a lie, if you believe it.”)

I’mbetting that some husbands have used them from time to time as well.

Hereare the phrases:

“I'veGot Blue Balls.”Unfortunately, that’s what it’s called. However, the proper scientific nameis vasocongestion.

Thecondition of “blue balls” does exist. During sexual arousal, aman’s testicles fill with blood and swell to approximately 50%larger. If this pressure is not relieved through ejaculation, theman’s testicles may ache.

Theclaim that orgasm is the bestway to relieve the pain is partially true. Ejaculation is the fastestway to relieve that aching feeling and cause the blood flow and swellingto go down. However, without having sex or ejaculation, the blood andswelling will slowly subside.

Tobe fair, a small number of men report that the pain of prolonged arousal withoutejaculation can last for several hours and can affect notonly the testicles but even the lower abdomen. One man likened thebrush-off of vasocongestion to people who claim that menstrualcramps are mostly in your head; as we gals know, that’s a load ofhooey. So if men say it hurts, I believe that it hurts.

Theconclusion I draw is twofold: First, men should not be getting arousedfor long periods of time without the possibility of climax. When weengage as God intended, with a husband and wife arousing andsatisfying one another, intense vasocongestion won’t occur. (Prolonged, unavoidable times away from one another are an exception.) Yet,fooling around outside marriage or engaging in pornographic arousalor other activities may cause problems. Second, the claim of “blueballs” is still not a reason to engage in intercourse outside theparameters that God commanded, so men shouldn’t use the excuse andwomen shouldn’t buy it.

“I'mat the Point of No Return.”The way that I heard men use “point of no return” (with me andwith girlfriends) is different from what my research unveiled. Guysclaimed that at some point in sexual arousal, they couldn’t stopand neededto have sex.

Thepoint of no return recognized in my research is that moment whenejaculation cannot be stopped. But men retain control of where thatejaculation occurs, and it is not necessary to have intercourse tocomplete the male orgasm. Although the physical response to ejaculatebecomes involuntary at some point, the decision to engage sexually isstill voluntary. And prior to that moment of automatic response, he retains control.

Of course, God’s design is for a husband and wifeto engage together, and the husband to ejaculate as part of thesexual act between them. Physical intimacy in marriage may include penetration or another form of bringing about the husband's ejaculation with the wife's assistance (e.g., oral sex, "hand job").

Premarriage, the man's "point of no return" does not include a need to penetrate. He still has a choice. Moreover, he shouldn't be getting to that point with a woman who doesn't have a ring, a vow, and a wedding album.

AsI suspected, these phrases are suspect as reasons to engage in sexualintercourse. Yet, being aroused over and over without release is hardto cope with. In marriage, however, I don't believe the physical side of thedifficulty is as painful as the emotional rejection.

Ifa husband is turned on by his wife, desires to be intimate with her,and is repeatedly rejected, he may get a case of vasocongestion. However, I hear more husbands complain of a blue heart than “blueballs.” They take it personally that their wives don't want toengage sexually with them and can't understand why this way ofexpressing love is off limits.

Still,husbands shouldn't use phrases like the ones above to convince wivesto engage sexually. At best, they may get pitysex.

Wives,meanwhile, shouldn't withhold sexually to the point that theirhusbands are so uptight that they are willing to settle for pity sex.At best, they will feel used.

Discusswith each other what your desired frequency is. You could compromisebetween the two, or go for broke and follow author Sheila Gregoire's adviceof “JustSay Yes to Sex!”

Rememberthat intimacy is not about satisfying physical needs or inclinations.Yes, God made us fleshly beings with desires and sensations, but weare made in His image as persons who desire connection. God desiresto connect with us, and He designed marriage as a lifelong connectionbetween a man and a woman.

Sexualintimacy expresses and fosters that connection. If a husband and wifeare engaging with each other as God intended, those two phrases will rarely, if ever, be used.

Whatdo you think? Have you heard these claims before? What is youropinion of them?

If Only I Could O

2011-11-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

Orgasm. Have you had one? I recently got a question from a commenter. Here's what she (Anonymous) said:

"My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I'm beginning to believe that I can't. I love sex... I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?"

So if I were a sex therapist (which I'm not), I would likely ask questions about sexual history, events that shaped sexual perspective, marital health, techniques, and so on. But maybe it's just as well to give a general "How to" lesson - which will be broad, but may include helpful tips. So without further ado, here's my rendition of:

How to Orgasm

"I'll have what she's having."
When Harry Met Sally

1. Don't try to orgasm. Yes, it's a worthy goal, and I'm in favor of reaching that awe-inducing climax and yelling "Yippee!" at its apex. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you're out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voila! there they are - the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.

Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.

2. Learn about your body. There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. The most thorough treatment I've read was from Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, but there are other sources. One important fact is that the clitoris is where orgasm occurs for women, and this body part appears to have no other purpose than inducing sexual arousal. (Thank you, God.) The Wheats state that "sufficient physical stimulation of the clitoris alone will produce orgasm in nearly all women." Of course, what constitutes that "sufficient physical stimulation" is what wives, and husbands, need to know.

Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband's, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.

You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he's already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.

3. Slow way down. Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. In fact, husbands have been compared to microwaves and wives to slow cookers for how long it takes them to heat up. (Thanks to Sheila Gregoire for reminding me of this comparison.) It takes some time for most women to become aroused, fully lubricated, and for the inner vagina lips (labia minora) to swell.

Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.

And that's okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.

4. Focus on the sensations. The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it's easy for us to think about sex and - sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what's happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.

Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration - getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.

5. Communicate. Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.

Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I have never seen a Hollywood love scene where one actor said to the other, "Oh, not there. Over a little bit. Yeah, right there." (Actually, I see very few such scenes these days by avoiding R-rated films, but that's another story.)

I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn't mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he'll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, "That doesn't feel good," move his hand and say, "I love it when you touch me there." Smiles, oohs, aahs, and groans also let a hubby know when he's hit the jackpot. You could throw in a "You rock my world, baby!" if you feel so moved. That usually goes over well.

6. Surrender to the moment. Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.

Give in to the moment when it arrives. Makes noises. Grimace. Scream. Flail about. Whatever floats your boat. I wonder about couples who videotape their lovemaking sessions because I'm pretty sure that orgasms are not pretty. If you watched a woman undergoing an intense orgasm, she might look like a rabid animal. But this is not the time to worry about how you look or what the neighbors might think if they heard you. (Hey, they're probably thinking "Good for her!") At that apex of pleasure, let go and revel in your one-fleshness.

My analogy would be riding a roller coaster (which I LOVE to do!). Tension grows as you slowly inch up to that tallest peak. When you reach the top, you must decide: Am I going to grip this safety bar and close my eyes? Or am I going to raise my hands and scream with delight? As you might guess, I always go for #2. It's so much funner that way. Surrender to the moment.

Well, that's it. Today's tips for how to orgasm.

You know what was so great about this reader's question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. "I love sex," she wrote.

By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don't require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don't hit that Big O, and that's okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. The Generous Husband recently had a great post on this very topic: Okay - but only if I can skip the "O".

Still, orgasms remind me of ordering a peppermint hot chocolate (my go-to drink) at Starbucks. They always ask if I want whipped cream. I want to say, "Duh. The cocoa is great, but if I can get whipped cream, I'm totally there."

Sex = chocolaty goodness. Orgasm = whipped cream. Definitely a great combo.

Now readers, what are you tips for achieving an orgasm? Have you struggled in this way? Learned anything along the way? Share your story or your suggestions.

Quick Note: Stu and Lisa Gray have revealed nominees for their 2011 Top Marriage Blogs List. Check out the links and vote at the Stupendous Marriage website.

Are You Thankful for Sex?

2011-11-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Those of you outside the United States are not celebrating this day as we Americans are, but expressing one's gratefulness for the blessings of life is always a good idea.

Today many families will thank God for food, family, friends, jobs, possessions, football games, and more. However, I would be surprised if you have considered thanking God for your sexuality.

Before you worry that I'm planning to carve the turkey, sit down with extended relatives, and have a prayer chain that includes me proclaiming, "Thank you, Lord, for my husband's sexy body and that amazing thing he did last night," I was thinking about privately thanking God.

Do you ever pause and thank our Creator for the beautiful gift of physical intimacy in marriage? I mean, besides when you might have squealed "Thank you, God!" after a particularly good orgasm.

Have you ever thanked Him as part of your regular prayer time? Have you expressed your gratefulness for the way He designed man and woman to become husband and wife as one flesh? Have you told God how it amazes you that our bodies fit together in this way, that our brains are designed to connect sexuality with emotional bonding, and that this special form of intimacy is reserved for a single individual in your life?

Maybe things aren't going well for you sexually right now. Maybe your marital intimacy isn't everything it should be or could be. Maybe you are carrying hurts from your past or fears for your future. Maybe you don't feel that you have much to be thankful for when it comes to your sexuality.

If so, you might begin by simply thanking God for making you a sexual being who can one day, with His help, experience the blessings God reserved for the marriage bed. It is my continual desire that you will learn how much God loves you and that everything He has designed for us is for our best.

Sex is God's idea. It is His blessing to husbands and wives. It is His provision for making children, increasing intimacy, and providing pleasure to married couples whom He loves. Take a brief moment today to thank Him for sex.

I will be praying today for all of you as well - thanking God for your marriages and praying that He works in your daily lives to bring about all of the blessings that He has for you.

Why Pose for Porn?

2011-11-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

I recently read a great blog post from "husband," a user's guide about How Porn Works discussing a book titled Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by psychologist Williams Struthers. In the blog post, "Huz" begins by stating that "Over 25% of all internet searches performed every day are for porn-related images, videos or websites." Yikes!

This blog post, Struthers's book, and plenty of other resources discuss how men crave intimacy and how pornography is a shortcut to that desire for visual and sexual stimulation. Hearing this from so many sources, I believe that pornography is incredibly tempting to men.

What I haven't ever understood is why women pose for it.

Why are so many women willing to take off their clothes and expose themselves in sexually titillating ways? After years and years of women fighting for the right to own property, to be educated, to vote, to garner some respect, etc., why would any woman willingly become an object of ogling to be picked up and discarded at will?

I started reading stories of ex-porn stars, looking for clues to why anyone would enter this seedy world and publicly expose their most vulnerable parts. I came upon some patterns:

Abuse. Quite a few women who have posed and participated in sex acts for the camera experienced sexual abuse at the hands of family, friends, or strangers. They received a message early on that they were there to be taken, used, and mistreated sexually.

Unstable family background. Most of the ex-porn stars I read testimonies from had incredibly unstable families. They simply didn't have anyone to teach them their worth or to protect them from abuse or help them heal if it did occur.

Need for money. Oftentimes, women began with stripping and moved to porn or prostitution. The porn industry, in fact, offered better money, so why not? they figured.

Connections to the industry. Someone they already knew suggested getting involved in porn. A friend or acquaintance took them to a set, introduced them to a filmmaker, or touted the advantages of working in the porn industry.

Attention. Now this one struck me. Many of the ex-porn stars related that - at first - they enjoyed the attention. These women liked the idea of getting male attention and being considered beautiful.

Glamour. Having your name known, signing autographs, and attracting larger attention seems glamorous. Porn actresses feel like Hollywood movie stars at times.

What also became clear from these women's stories is that the porn industry led to more abuse: Often, they experienced forced sex acts, STDs, and mistreatment. It led to further instability: They were used by others to make money and not cared for or listened to.
They did not end up financially better: The money was often gone quickly, as many porn stars abuse drugs and alcohol to keep going.

Moreover, the attention and glamour are illusions. There is nothing glamorous about acting out sexually for someone else's benefit and a wad of cash. A prostitute is a prostitute, no matter how good the camera work is.

What disturbs me as much or more than these stories, though, are the many women who are not in a porn industry but willingly take off their clothes for any reason or no reason at all. Plenty of gals post nude or scantily-clad images of themselves for freebie viewing on the internet. Teen girls send suggestive or nude images of themselves to teen boys. Why are they engaging in this behavior?

I think the Attention category comes into play here. God has designed women such they we want to be beautiful and cherished by men. He has given woman a natural bent toward wanting a man's eyes to hold her in his gaze.

Satan is so very happy to pervert that.

He perverts women with broken hearts to seek the wrong attention of men willing to pay for and praise sexual stimulation. He perverts men with broken hearts to seek the visual stimulation of women willing to pose for attention. In the end, the attention and stimulation each gets is a twisted, inadequate substitute for what God intends with sexuality.

Some people selling or giving away sexual images are purposefully evil in their intent, and some are broken human beings in need of a different message and healing.

Why do women pose? For the same reasons, I suppose, that we continue in any sinful and self-destructive pattern:

We have a hole in our lives and are looking for something to fill it.
We don't know our own worth in God's eyes.
We aren't willing to let go of our selfish desires and surrender to God's provision.
We allow ourselves to be led astray by others.

I wish I could take some of the women I read about in my research into my arms and describe how beautiful they are as daughters of God. And for those men who look at pornography, I would ask them to think about why women pose and what painful experiences they have endured and continue to endure.

Pornography is not a benign business. Many of these women have already suffered in their lives, and they continue to do so. May God bring healing to those ladies who find their way out.

For another heartfelt post on this topic, see Intimacy in Marriage's My Love Letter to Pornographers.

Rainy Days and Ugly Days Always Get Me Down

2011-11-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

I recently had an ugly day. You ladies probably know what I mean.

Most of the time, I feel okay about my appearance. I don't stop traffic with my beauty, but I also don't get mistaken for a horror movie villain. I'm in the acceptable range, and I think that God made me reasonably attractive with some pretty features.

But now and then, I have a day where I feel like Cinderella's stepsisters were Helen of Troy compared to me.

Why did this happen? I went shopping.

Taking ten outfits into the dressing room, I presumed that at least one would flatter my figure. Nope. So on to another store, and the same presumption. Nope. And to another store . . . and another . . . . A couple of hours later, I concluded that I have no figure.

Despite the fact that the scale says I weigh in the a-okay range, I can assure you that it is not distributed the way it once was. It was tempting to lie back on the dressing room floor, do 100 crunches, and try those jeans on one more time. It was tempting to suck in with all of my breath and never exhale again. It was tempting to purchase all of the "shapewear" in the store and wear it all at once to get everything back where it belongs.

I cursed childbirth for the shifting of fat and the elasticity of my skin. I cursed fast food for being so available and convenient at every corner. I cursed Coca-Cola for tasting like ambrosia, that nectar of the gods. I cursed my busy schedule for not allowing me to exercise two hours per day and still have a clean house, tasks completed, and family cared for. I cursed the fashion industry for tissue-thin shirts and low rise pants that highlight the muffin tops of older women. I cursed young women for not having muffin tops.

I felt U-G-L-Y.

So I came home and ate an ice-cream sandwich. (Don't judge me, or I might eat another.)

That night, when I told my husband how I felt, he dismissed my conclusions. I'm not ugly to him. Not at all. He was rather eager to find my muffin top and feel his way around from there. He said that neither one of us has the taut tummy we used to have. He said that I'm still hot to him . . . as in, smokin'.

I am lucky to have a husband who likes my body just fine. I understand that not all wives have that lovely circumstance.

However, I bet if most of you wives had an experience like I did, where you stood there hand on hip, tears in eyes, and choke in throat declariing how U-G-L-Y you are, your hubbies would stare at you in disbelief. What do you take him for? He wouldn't marry ugly! He's got good taste, you know.

In fact, my own husband has such good taste that he asked me to bring him an ice cream sandwich too.

A couple of days later, feeling better about myself, I went shopping again. Score! A great pair of jeans (with a little stretchy fabric) and a nice button-down shirt were waiting for me. I took a couple of turns in front of the dressing room mirror and thought, Not too bad. Not amazing, but not bad.

It turns out that God does a pretty good job with His handiwork. I'm not 20 anymore. I will never bounce dimes on my abdomen again (did I ever?). I could be a little more fit (which I'm working on), but if God and my husband think I'm okay, who am I to argue?

Do you feel bad about your appearance at times? How do you snap out of it? How does your spouse help (or not help) on those Ugly Days that get you down?

Top Marriage Blogs 2011

2011-11-14T07:00:00.001-07:00

Growing up, I was one of those kids during fundraisers who barely rapped on the neighbor's door, hoped they wouldn't answer, and when they peeked their head out murmured, "Do you want to buy _____? You don't have to." I hated selling! To this day, it is difficult for me to promote products or myself.

So when I received word that Stu and Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage are gathering nominations for their 3rd Annual Top Marriage Blogs List, I wondered how I should handle this. Ignore it? Mention it briefly and move on? Ask for a nomination from readers? Or simply go the route of Shameless Self-Promotion?

Then I decided that I'd rather focus on other great marriage blogs. So here are some terrific blogs I currently follow.

The Generous Wife. Lori Byerly gives daily encouragement for marriages with tips on everything from household organization to date ideas to sexual insights. These are quick reads, and there is a lot wives can apply to their marriages to make them better. Lori also does a round-up of posts from other blogs that have stood out to her, and I click through many of those links and find great material.

The Generous Husband. Paul Byerly speaks to the husbands in his daily posts on being a generous husband. I read them, though, because I get a lot of out of his blog. Both genders can learn from his tips for being kinder, more engaged, and more Christ-like in our marriages.

Intimacy in Marriage. Julie Sibert tackles the tough marital intimacy issues with aplomb. She's covered everything from talking to your kids about sex to positions to her masturbation posts with me. She also posts straightforward advice on how to have a great sex life with your spouse. I highly recommend her blog and have yet to read a post I didn't get something from.

Marriage Gems. Lori Lowe aptly titled her blog. She takes a research-based approach to strengthening marriage and keeps readers up-to-date on the latest information and studies. Also, her book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss is coming out in December 2011.

One Flesh Marriage. Brad and Kate Aldrich trade posts. They cover a wide variety of topics and do a great job of breaking down issues and providing step-by-step tips for working on problem areas. Their blog is informative and encouraging.

Preengaged. Eric and Heather Viets both post to their blog. Their topics are aimed at couples not yet engaged, engaged, or early into marriage. Yet a lot of what they say applies to all of us marrieds. They are able to take daily occurrences and draw lessons from them for our relationships, and I admit to being a complete love-sick sucker for their posts on fun marriage proposals.

To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Sheila Gregoire posts on marriage, family, and sexuality. From what I can tell, her target audience is Christian wives, but her appeal is broader than that. I especially love her Wifey Wednesday posts, which go to the heart of what we married gals need to hear. Also, be sure to look for her new book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, coming out in February 2012.

Winning at Romance. Gina Parris has used her extensive background in sports psychology to advocate for great marital intimacy. She has wonderful tips in particular for women who struggle with low sex drive. Gina also hosted the Sexy Summit Teleseminar Series with some fabulous experts, and you can still get the series by clicking the affiliate link in the right sidebar of this blog.

I could list many more, but these marriage bloggers post regularly on relevant topics and often address sexuality in marriage - which is my focus. By the way, if you want to suggest a marriage blog for the Top 10 List, click HERE to go to Stu and Lisa's nomination page at Stupendous Marriage.

Now I'd like to hear from you! Which marriage blogs do you love and why? How has reading marriage-focused posts helped your relationship? What do you want to gain from marriage blogs?

Want to Rave about Your Birth Control Method?

2011-11-10T03:53:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, I want to let my readers know that I am aware that my blog is having spacing issues in the RSS feed (and perhaps email). I have been researching a fix to this problem on Blogger, but have yet to come across the answer. I apologize for the inconvenience. Please bear with me as I look into my options and attempt to remedy the issue as quickly as my non-tech-savvy self can. Now onto to other, more interesting issues.

Recently, fellow bloggers Paul and Lori Byerly of The Marriage Bed and Sheila Gregoire with To Love, Honor and Vacuum posted on birth control methods. The Byerlys' article covered recent studies on the negative effect of oral contraception on women's sexual satisfaction, while Sheila's post provided a great summary of the range of birth control options available to married couples. Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage also added her take on this birth control conversation.

What birth control method a couple chooses is a very personal decision and includes such factors as if and when they desire to have children, financial wherewithal, what feels comfortable to each and both. Since I'm absolutely fine with sharing my own experience, I wanted to add my personal two cents to this topic of birth control.

There's got to be a better way.

The Pill
I started taking oral contraception in high school. It wasn't to protect me against unwanted pregnancy, but rather to regulate heavy and horrible periods. My doctor proposed the pill as a way to get my menstruation under control. It definitely helped.

It also meant that when I became sexually active, I was already used to taking the pill so that was my choice of contraception. I took it for a few years without problem. When I decided to behave like a good girl, I chucked the premarital sex and the pill along with it.

After marriage, I got back on the pill. A couple of years into it, I experienced a terrible depression. I was tired all of the time, cried for no reason, and generally felt awful. My doctor suggested antidepressants, which I began taking. When I was too nauseous to stand it, I stopped taking those pills. I also decided to stop taking The Pill for a while. Voila! As if a magician had pulled an unexpected rabbit from a hat, my depression was gone.

I tried another contraceptive pill (different hormonal balance), and it had the same effect. After two bouts of depression with oral contraception, I no longer wanted to mess with my hormones. Goodbye, pill!

Condoms
I have used condoms only a handful of times. I have friends who swear by their use, saying that they are easy to manage, keep the mess to a minimum, and don't alter your body's balance like oral contraception.

For myself, I hate condoms. First off, is it just me or do any other wives out there think it looks really weird to see your hubby's penis shrink-wrapped for sex? The bigger issue with me, though, is the lack of skin-to-skin contact. Friction increases arousal and thus the possibility of orgasm. I found it difficult to climax when my husband wore a condom.

Perhaps we could have tried various brands and styles. For instance, ribbed condoms provide more friction. However, I concluded here that skin against skin was an important part of the sexual experience to me. Goodbye, condoms!

Diaphragm
What were my choices now? I saw my gynecologist and talked to him about options - knowing what my goals and desires for birth control were. All hormonal treatments were out - no pill, shots, under-the-skin, etc. No IUD because that violates my moral stance. (Note: IUDs do not prevent fertilization of an egg; they prevent implantation of a fertilized egg. Revised: A reader informed me that the copper IUD releases copper which is toxic to sperm, thus preventing fertilization; I checked her statement and confirmed that the device indeed works toward preventing fertilization and implantation.)

My doc suggested trying a diaphragm. A diaphragm is a bendable disc with a semi-sphere shape. A woman's vagina is measured by a doctor so that he can prescribe the correct size. Fit is important because this is a barrier method. In addition to the diaphragm itself, one should apply a spermicide to the edge just in case those crafty sperm swimmers find a teeny opening around the disc.

The first few times I used the diaphragm, it took a while for me to apply the spermicidal gel, bend the diaphragm in half, insert it properly, and then move my fingers out so that it could get into place. After using it for a while, however, I could pop that baby in faster than you could sing a verse of "Camptown Races."

This was THE METHOD FOR ME. I wished that I had started out with this method. I loved it! It left my hormones alone. It lasted for a long time and did not require me to remember to take something daily or buy something weekly. It just sat there in my night table drawer ready for me when I needed it. It was easy to insert and easy to remove. I could leave it in for several hours and wasn't bothered by its presence. It prevented pregnancy until we were ready. Hello, diaphragm!

The Conclusion
So am I suggesting that every wife go out and get herself a diaphragm because I'm raving about it? Absolutely not.

What I learned through my experience is this: I should have really researched the options when I was first looking into birth control. Instead, I walked into my doctor's office, asked about birth control, and walked out with the standard pill prescription. Looking back, I believed that my only goal was to prevent pregnancy. Over time, I discovered that there were other considerations for me as well - such as skin-to-skin contact and convenience.

Each woman and couple needs to look at what is important to them when choosing a birth control method. Various methods have pros and cons. (Be sure to read the Byerlys' interesting article about recently-discovered cons of oral contraception.)

You may even wish to use natural family planning. Dustin Reichmann of Engaged Marriage wrote a great article for Your Tango on Why I Believe in Natural Family Planning.

But study the methods yourself. Look into the advantages and disadvantages. Don't rely on your physician or your best friend who suggests the method they like is the method for you. It may be; it may not be.

Also, I wouldn't put too much stock into the claims that the pill is 99%+ effective while another method is only 98%+ effective and make your decision based on that. I've known a few couples who used the pill properly and still got a little munchkin and couples who have successfully prevented pregnancy with natural family planning for years. If you use any birth control method properly, it will likely work. Until that one time when it doesn't, and I believe that God can get you through that one.

Of course, if you really want to prevent any future pregnancies, I could write a whole other post entitled "In Praise of Vasectomy." For now, I'll avoid having my male readers grab their crotches protectively until I can give that topic more coverage.

Your turn: What birth control method do you absolutely love? Go ahead and rave below. Why do you love it? What considerations do you take into account when choosing a birth control method?

Should You Sext Your Spouse?

2011-11-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

Remember those days when a married couple could be in two different locations and hubby could phone home to ask what wifey is wearing. Tucking her Princess phone between her cocked head and shoulder, wifey could then describe a satin-and-lace little thing that brought to hubby's mind a beautiful image. They could discuss intimate moments they wished to share later when they are together again.

Ah, the good old days.

Nowadays, the standard practice appears to be more straightforward:

Husband texts: "What r u wearing?

Wife pulls back camera phone, snaps a photo, and presses Send.

Wife texts: "That's what I'm wearing! ;)"

Husband happily eyeballs photo of wife's scantily clad body.

Husband texts: "Can't wait 2 B home."

Is it just me who wonders if this version of the "What are you wearing?" game is an improvement? For one thing, in the world of sexting, you must actually be wearing the lingerie you describe. No more sitting at home in a pair of sweats and hair in a ponytail and swearing that you are in a teddy and fishnet stockings.

Second, I fear the phone takeover. Once I texted a friend a tongue-in-cheek comment about sex with my husband. I quickly received a text from her number saying, "This is her husband. I borrowed her phone today." After freaking out for a while, my friend texted again with "Just kidding." But it made me realize how easy it is for someone else to have your honey's phone. Perhaps someone is borrowing it to make a phone call, or your child has grabbed it to play Angry Birds. How would you explain that booty photo?

Third, has anyone actually figured out how to take a flattering photo of yourself by stretching out your hand as far as it will go and clicking? You might be trying to take a picture of your breasts and end up with a shot of your elbow. Hardly the effect you were going for. I need good lighting, a tripod, and a self-timer to get a Send-worthy photo. Either that or Mrs. Incredible's superhero arms.

Fourth, if you text, what do you say? I would think your best bet is to use wordplay, like a pun or double-entendre. That way your sexting can be read in two ways -- one quite innocently (in case of phone takeover by an in-law) and one sexually charged (the meaning of which you hope only your beloved clues into). Nicknaming your parts might help in this regard. But remember, everybody knows what "Mr. Happy" refers to.

Finally, it's evidence. Perhaps I watch too many crime shows, but it seems like all electronic messaging can be retrieved by hackers, police officers, and the FBI. I have no idea what crime one could be charged with -- Is there a law against bad sex puns or G-strings on old derrieres? -- but I wonder if sexting provides a bread crumb trail better left unscattered.

All that said, have I ever sexted my spouse? Yep. Sure have. And no, I will not reveal what I said. (Let Jack Bauer's team figure that out.) But it was nothing explicit. The content was the sort that would make my kids blush, not vomit, if they stumbled upon it.

Why have I sexted? Because a little teasing can go a long way to creating that anticipation for one another and for lovemaking. Because when you're far away from your beloved, a little sexting is a good way to remind them that you desire them. Because I like word play and living dangerously. Because it makes my honey smile.

Actually, I do suggest being careful if you choose to put sexting in your marital intimacy repertoire.

What do you think? Should your sext your spouse? Have you sexted? What boundaries do you set or precautions do you take to make sure your private moments don't become public?

Safety & Vulnerability in the Bedroom

2011-11-03T07:25:00.000-06:00

Sexualintimacy, as God created and desires for marriage, requiresvulnerability. Most women understand that sex requires vulnerability, since our bodies are literally invaded byanother person's body part. However, I believe that vulnerability isan issue for men as well.

To give yourself intimately toyour spouse, you must lower your defenses, get naked, allow someoneto touch and kiss the most private parts of your body, and joinyourself physically to another. There is an emotional and spiritualunveiling of yourself in all of this too.

As an analogy, let's thinkabout stage fright. To perform for an audience, you have to feelcomfortable that you have something to say or can actually sing orwhatever; you must feel okay about yourself. You must also feel thatyou have some possibility of connecting with your audience; you mustfeel okay about them.

Butwhat if you knew going out there that the entire crowd would shoutinsults and boo? Would you take a single step onto the stage? Wouldyou pick up the microphone? Would you feel like saying one word orsinging one note? Would you more likely think “ForgetIt”and pass up the chance to have a shining moment to express your selfto others?

Itis so much morevulnerableto engage sexually with someone you love than to say a five-minutespeech or sing a two-minute song to people you don't know. But whatif your spouse criticizes, belittles, and generally boos you in everyother area of life? What if their criticism extends even into thebedroom, as they comment about your looks or feelings orexpectations?

Whatif when you try to discuss how you feel about your sex life, you aregreeted with indifference or insults? What if your heartfelt feelingsare dismissed with “You shouldn't feel like that”? (One of theworst things to say to someone in my opinion.) How can you bevulnerable with someone who is cruel or abusive?

Marriageexpert Gary Smalley and his teamhave done extensive research into the importance of creating a safeenvironment within marriage so that love can flourish. If a spousedoes not feel safe, he or she will not communicate freely, givetrust, and participate fully in the relationship. Why share yourthoughts or feelings when you know they will be shot down, as theyhave been repeatedly in the past?

Is there anyway to get pastthis? How can you follow God's command to engage sexually with yourspouse when it feels like your marriage or your bedroom is a minefield?

I have some background inpsychology, but I am not a therapist.

I have worked in ministry, butI am not a minister.

I have gone faithfully forannual check-ups, but I am not a doctor.

Here's my two cents anyway:

Askhow bad the mistreatment is.Does it rise to the level of abuse? Do you feel mistreated becauseyour expectations are simply not being met? Or are you a movingtarget in your own home? Is it “He doesn't appreciate me like heshould” or “He tells me I'm stupid, ugly, and worthless severaltimes a day”?

If you are not sure, get wisecounsel to make a determination. Your close friends are probably notthe most objective people to ask. Talk to a doctor, a minister, atherapist.

Prayfor wisdom.If you are in a terrible situation, go to God. You may even be angryat Him right now for what you're going through, wondering why Hewon't intervene and stop it. However, God has promised to be with youthrough the horrible times (Isaiah 43:1-2, Matthew 28:20). Jesus knows what it is like to be cruellytreated and can relate to hardship. Continue to bring your concernsand sorrows to the Lord and ask for His help to sort through yourfeelings and your options.

Talkto your spouse.If you have not approached the subject, do so. If you have done sobefore and believe you can bring it up again withoutreprisal,try again. However, if your environment is unsafe and you simply cannot talkto your spouse, don't. Your physical safety must be assured toexperience emotional and sexual vulnerability.

Seekhelp.If you are in an abusive marriage, you are notthewife or husband we are talking to when Christian marriage authorsencourage more vulnerability, frequency, or playfulness in thebedroom. You need outside help to get clarity, establish properboundaries, and get your life back on track. Speak with your ministeror a counselor in confidence and let them know what's going on. Askfor resources. Seek out Christians who will support you as you try todeal with a marriage that has gone down the wrong road.

Ihope my two cents helps, but as I have stated, I am not an expert.Thankfully, there are great resources out there for those in need.Seek them out.

Goddesires that you, His beautiful child, be treated with gentleness,respect, and love. Remember your worth.

Does Your Husband Stink at Romance? Mine too.

2011-10-31T07:24:00.001-06:00

Thusfar, I've only identified myself as “J” - anonymous Christian sexblogger living somewhere in the United States with a husband andfamily. But I have decided that it is time to reveal somethingpersonal about myself – something about my family. I want to tellyou about my husband.

Well,not so much tell you about myhusband as tell you whohe is. So brace yourself, hold your breath, because here he is –the man to whom I am married:

"Live long and prosper."

My husband actuallyhas a different name, but the personality is pretty much the same.I am married to Spock. It's all about what is LOGICAL.

Bringingyour wife flowers for no reason is not logical. Buying expensivejewelry because it's pretty is not logical. Telling her that she'sbeautiful today when you already said it last week is not logical.

I'mpretty sure that I'm not the only one married to someone who justdoesn't “get it” when it comes to beauty, spontaneity, and goingthe extra mile for a big gesture of love. So how do you get a guylike this to engage in romance in your marriage?

Here's what I've learned from my marriage to a Vulcan:

Takethe lead. It does notoccur to my husband to create a romantic environment for date nightor lovemaking. Since I am the one who craves romance more —although he enjoys it — I merely take it uponmyself to set the scene. I light the candles, I turn on the music, Ipour the bubble bath, or whatever. Putting forth a little effort cancreate an atmosphere where the only instruction left is “Simply Add ~~Water~~Hubby.”

Askfor romance. I need to hear that Iam beautiful, that my husband desires me, that he loves me.Sometimes he forgets that. I used to be hurt by the omission. Butafter several years of marriage, I realized that my husband doesn'tgush about his mother either, and she is downright heroic to him.

Rather than feeling injured by his inattention, I invite his attention.For instance, I can put on my sexy nightie or nudie and ask, “Sowhat do you think?” Or say, “You know what I like about your body?” and go through a list, followed by “What do you like about mine?” I have now opened the floor for him to express what I need to hear.

Establishroutines. I had a friend whosehusband's lack of affection was hurting her feelings. She finally told him,“I need you to kiss me before you leave for work and kiss me whenyou get home.” It became their routine. Was it forced at first?Yeah, a little. But now it's something they both enjoy — a romantictradition.

Routines can be great for both of you. Demanding lots ofspontaneous romance from a non-romantic guy is like mounting a Mount Everest expedition with a few Kit-Kat bars in your pack; don't get your hopes up. Asking your honey to introduce a romanticroutine into your relationship, though, is predictable and tangible —something he can put on a to-do list and check off. Perhaps theroutine is a kiss or a hug at a certain time. Perhaps he takes onplanning a date or a vacation for the two of you on a special dayeach year (giving him plenty of time to prepare). Perhaps the routineis that he undresses you in particular way, noting as he goes all thebeautiful parts of your body. Just make the romantic tradition something achievable for him and enjoyable to you.

Rememberyour hubby loves you. When your bestfriend tells you how her romantic hubby swept her off her feet with asurprise trip to a mountain cabin where he cooked her favorite meal,serenaded her with his guitar, and sprinkled the bed with rose petalsbefore making love to her, you may wonder why your husband doesn'tlove you like that.

While I encourage husbands to up their game whenit comes to the romance department, some guys are amazing at it andsome guys aren't. Whether he has natural wooing talent is not relatedto how much he loves you.

Plenty of non-romantic guys would respond to "Do you love your wife?" with an unequivocal “Of course.” In fact, itisn't logical to Mr. Spock to restate the obvious over and over. Soask your husband to tell you and to show you, and when he follows through,remember that he is outside his comfort zone in expressing the lovefor you that is well within his comfort zone. He loves you likecrazy; he just needs cues to know how to demonstrate thatlove.

Enjoythe surprises. Because my guy isn't a hard-coreromantic, I revel in those times when he goes above and beyond. For arecent birthday, my husband wrote me a love poem. Alove poem! If you knewthis guy — which you do if you ever watched the original StarTrek — you'd knowhow big a deal that is. I was on Cloud 9½ for the next month.

We wives should all enjoy the romance our husbands bring to marriage,but when it's not your guy's thing,those moments are super-sweet. Instead of thinking, “I wish hewould do this more often,” just enjoy the moment. Bask in it. Knowhow hard it was for him to make that effort, and how much that meanshe loves you.

Forthe hubbies reading this post, make the effort. Go the extra mile.Woo your wife. If you don't know what to do, ask your sister or hersister; ask a group of female co-workers what they like from theirhubbies; seek ideas online (The Romantic Vineyard and The Generous Wife have date night suggestions).

For you Trekkies, here's proof that even Spock can be romantic (from "All Our Yesterdays").

Meanwhile, wives, do what you can to introduce the romance you want into your marriage. Your husband likely won't be as romantic as the hunk in the latest chick flick romance. He doesn't have a screenwriting team to come up with all of that for him. He's on his own. So help him out.

I can honestly say from my life with Spock that melding minds is far outweighed by melding hearts when we make the extra effort. (Plus, aren't those pointy ears kind of cute?)

Movies to Inspire Romance

2011-10-27T07:30:00.000-06:00

Sometimeswe need a little inspiration to get our romantic fervor going. Whilewe want to engage in a love connection with our spouse, the dailydoldrums can distract us from concentrating fully on God’s gift ofmarital bliss.

Myfirst suggestion would be to read the Songof Solomon (alsoknown as the Song ofSongs) from theBible. It is amazing that God has ensured that this book remains inHis Holy Word, as it is a celebration of married love and intimacy.

Butif you’re looking for a date night in, try watching a romanticmovie together and see if you don’t get a bit inspired to delightin your spouse’s body and soul. I have a few recommendations listedbelow.

Itried to avoid the usual “chick flicks” that the gals would lovebut that turn men’s stomachs. If you want to kill the mood betweenyou and hubby, suggest that he give up two hours of perfectly goodsports-viewing time to watch a tear-jerker film in which thenamby-pamby man woos his woman with flowers, poems, and lengthy“communication.” Try something that both of you will enjoyinstead!

DonJuan DeMarco (1994,PG-13). Starring Marlon Brando, Johnny Depp, and Faye Dunaway, thisfilm tells the story of a young man who believes himself to be thegreatest lover in the world, Don Juan, and the psychiatrist who istasked to cure him. The plot of Don Juan and his romantic escapadesis humorous, but the great story here is between Brando and Dunawayas husband and wife rekindling their own romance.

Fireproof(2008, PG). Afirefighter knows how to save lives, but can he save his failingmarriage? He takes a 40-day challenge called TheLove Dare to try toturn things around. This film was made by Sherwood Pictures, aministry of Sherwood Baptist Church, and stars Kirk Cameron in thelead role. I highly recommend this movie.

ItHappened One Night(1934). This is a classic film with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbertin which a reporter helps a spoiled heiress running from her family.He’s looking for a big story but manages to get something muchmore.

AKnight’s Tale(2001, PG-13). The brilliance of this film is that it doesn’t takeitself too seriously. A commoner fakes knighthood to win thetournament prize and the heart of his dream gal. The best part ofthis movie may be Paul Bettany, who turns in an amazing performanceas Chaucer. Heath Ledger plays the faux knight.

Ladyhawke(1985, PG-13). A couple cursed to spend their lives close togetheryet worlds apart come in contact with a thief who might be able tohelp them break the spell. This fantasy tale appeals to both men andwomen. Rutger Hauer, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Matthew Broderick star.

TheMummy (1999, PG-13).An English librarian working in Egypt, played by Rachel Weisz, wishesto find the ancient city of Hamunaptra. She enlists the help of anAmerican in the French foreign legion, played by Brendan Frasier, andthey accidentally awaken a mummy at the archeological dig. Yes, thereare some creepy parts, but a sweet romance as well.

Piratesof the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl(2003, PG-13). A blacksmith, Will Turner, wishes to save his lovefrom undead pirates. He enlists the help of the unorthodox JackSparrow, a former colleague of the pirates. Johnny Depp, OrlandoBloom, and Keira Knightly go against the villainous Geoffrey Rush.

Raidersof the Lost Ark(1981, PG). Thisfilm is on my Top 10 list. Indiana Jones is an archaeologist taskedwith finding the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis do. He enliststhe help of former girlfriend, Marian Ravenwood, who is tough in herown right. Starring Harrison Ford and Karen Black and directed bySteven Spielberg.

Romancingthe Stone (1984,PG). Kathleen Turner stars as romance novelist Joan Wilder, whowrites about adventures but has yet to live any. When her sisterfalls into trouble in Columbia, Wilder is forced to come to herrescue and hire a rough-edged scoundrel, played by Michael Douglas,to help her. Guess what happens?

TheQuiet Man (1952,TV-G). John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara star in this movie about aformer boxer from America who falls in love with a girl in Irelandand faces down his demons to be the man he needs to be. Ifyou’re having trouble getting your husband to watch a romanticfilm, surely the words “John Wayne” would reel him in!

WhileYou Were Sleeping(1995, PG). A lonely young woman fosters a crush on a handsomebusinessman she sees every day while collecting subway tolls. When hefalls into a coma, she is mistaken for his girlfriend and thrust intothe arms of his family. She must decide whether her dream guy is whoshe really wants or if someone less obvious has captured her heartinstead.

Ichose only films rated G, PG, or PG-13. Some of the above films,however, have language, violence, etc. Moreover, not all sexualrelationships occur within marriage; if I could convince Hollywood tochange that tomorrow, I would!

Ifyou wish to check the content beforehand, you can get information onmost movies through the websites from Focuson the Family's Plugged In or CommonSense Media. If you want more Movie Night ideas, check outsuggestions from The Generous Wife and her readers HERE.These aren’t specifically romantic, but there are some great filmsmentioned.

Doyou have any suggestions to add to my list?

Godly Sex Is Complex

2011-10-24T07:30:00.000-06:00

I received a comment to my Sex and the Pity post a couple of weeks ago. Its message was a poignant one. I want to share it with you and then respond.

From Anonymous:

"I love your posts. I read them because this is an area I am working on in my marriage. But sometimes I feel like you over-simplify. No, I've never had an orgasm while folding laundry either, but I also rarely have them during sex, quite frankly, and neither do many other women. At least at the end of doing laundry I feel a sense of worth. At the end of sex I just feel fat, ugly, conquered, vulnerable in a bad way... So yes, it's a chore: it's a 'routine and unpleasant task.' My husband can be cruel in many ways. I have begged him to stop. I have prayed that he would stop. Then I prayed that God would change me- that I could be more resilient and more patient and loving with him. Some women would say that I married the 'wrong man,' but I know that when I said, 'I do' before God that I made a life-long commitment to him being the 'right man.' Interestingly, all the Christian marriage books say that more sex will make your husband the man you want him to be. But I've given up on him hanging and now just pray that I can be a woman who can withstand his behavior and protect our children from the damage. It's just not always as simple as you make it to be."

My response to Anonymous: I agree. I do simplify things because to cover the complexities of having a fulfilling, long-term, God-honoring sex life with your mate requires more than the 500-1000 words I try to keep it down to each post. So I hit at THIS one time and THAT another, hoping that each post will touch someone out there wanting information, struggling, or needing encouragement. My heart genuinely goes out to spouses who have been hurt in area of sexual intimacy in their marriage.

In one way, sex is simple. Intercourse requires inserting Tab A into Slot B, remove, and repeat.

But a healthy sexual relationship requires much, much more. However, I believe that barriers to a healthy relationship primarily exist in one of three areas.

Unhealthy Attitude. The issue that Anonymous brings up in stating that her husband can be cruel and won't stop highlights his bad attitude. In fact, this is where healthy sex MUST begin. You can hear oodles and oodles of fabulous fixes and techniques, but if one spouse approaches the other and marital intimacy with an unhealthy attitude, such ideas won't bring about a fulfilling relationship.

The biggest barrier to a good attitude is self. It can be the self-pleasuring of a mate who spends hours looking at online pornography, the self-focus of being too tired or too body conscious to make love, or the self-preservation instinct of someone who was molested in their childhood years. Yes, this is a wide range of issues, but a healthy sexual relationship must begin with prioritizing relational intimacy above one's self. Let me be clear: These are not all selfishess, but they are about self. For some, putting the marriage first means a simple attitude adjustment; for others it requires deep self-examination or therapy to heal from a painful history.

Perhaps the toughest situations I hear about are those in which one spouse has worked hard to have a great attitude toward sexual intimacy in marriage and the other one is a selfish blockhead (as described by the commenter). No amount of sex education will make make him a terrific lover because godly sexuality isn't ultimately about arousal or orgasm; it's about expressing and fostering mutual intimacy through deep physical contact.

Specific Sexual Problems. Some people want to have a better sex life, but they have specific issues that need to be addressed. Perhaps a spouse has low desire, difficulty with arousal, a pornography addiction, physical exhaustion, interrupting kids, a lack of knowledge about the human body, etc. There is a myriad of barriers to a fulfilling sex life that have to do with addressing something specific in the person or the relationship.

At times, I have dealt with such issues, such as sex hurting or mistreatment in your past. Many problems can be tackled with awareness and effort. Yet, some require the intervention of a counselor or physician. The first step here is being able to identify what problems you have in your specific relationship. Your marriage is not exactly like anyone else's. However, for just about every specific problem, there is a fix. It may be a quick tweak or a long-term program to get things right, but there are couples everywhere who have overcome all kinds of difficulties to become sexually intimate and satisfied in their marriage.

I encourage you not to give up on working toward something better. I have known some wives whose physicians dismissed their inability to become aroused, to which I would say, "Find another physician." Look for answers. Find help. Making your sex life a priority means trying to tackle the barriers to marital intimacy.

Failure to Nurture. Having planted the seed of a good attitude toward marital sexuality and then seeing sprouts come up as you deal with specific problems, married couples cannot simply relax and expect to reap a neverending harvest of sexual satisfaction. Intimacy must be nurtured.

Couples must make time to engage in sexuality; if they don't, work, household, children, church activities, friends, recreation, and more will crowd it out. You must stay in communication with each other about what you want from your sex life - which may change. What felt great five years ago to your mate may not be the same now. Moreover, physical changes in your body (pregnancy, age, etc.) may present challenges that need to be dealt with.

We need to remind ourselves of the importance of sexuality and make efforts to deal with issues that crop up over time. We need to keep our attitude toward our spouse and our marital intimacy where it should be.

Thus, information and encouragement, as well as knowing and applying the Word of God to your sex life, can help substantially. If you wistfully recall your first year of marriage being a veritable sex feast and simply sit around and wonder what happened to the delicious goodies, then you will never achieve the long-term marital intimacy God desires for you. You must nurture your relationship, and that nurturing will look different in different seasons.

So yeah, it's complicated. Godly sex is complex. Because there are so many ways in which Satan attacks us in our sexual lives - with poor attitudes, annoying and serious problems, and complacency.

Since I - and no other author, speaker, therapist, etc. - can see directly into your sex life, it is up to the married couple to figure out where the barriers are and how they want to move past them. I will be here to deliver information, support, a little humor, and prayers that husbands and wives out there will work on their intimacy and discover God's beautiful gift of sexuality in marriage.

Those of you who continue to struggle pierce my heart and make me fall to my knees. I know that our Heavenly Father wants to the best for His beloved children, and that includes you. It is my sincere hope that my blog helps to shine light on the blessings our Lord has for us.

More Candid Conversation about Masturbation

2011-10-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

OnMonday, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and I tackled questions about masturbation in marriage. This is a controversial topic at times with peopleon both extremes of “Why not?” and “Heck no!” I couldbe considered somewhere in the middle.

Ibelieve godly sexuality in marriage is focused on one another. If masturbation supports mutual intimacy, it can have a role; ifit's self-focused, not so much. But read on. Julie and I continue ourconversation about masturbation today with more Q&A.

Totry to keep our answers straight, I have labeled myself “HH&H"this time and Julie Sibert simply “Julie."

Isthere such a thing as “too much” masturbation?

HH&H:Yes, of course! First of all, if you're touching yourself rightnow as you read this, stop it! Now! (Just kidding.)

Godcreated sexuality between a husband and wife in great part forintimacy. I assure you that there are no references to getting off inthe Song of Songs. If self-stimulation is used as part of mutualpleasure and is a tag-along to intercourse (the driver), it canincrease intimacy.

Alltoo often, though, masturbation is a substitute for being vulnerablewith your spouse, taking the necessary time to learn one another'sbodies to achieve orgasm, and engaging in intercourse. Moreover,masturbation is often tied to pornography – a definite no-no.

Listen,no spouse wants to be married to someone with his hand in his pantshalf the time. So how much is too much? If you're asking thatquestion, you may have crossed the line.

Julie:Absolutely. There’s also such a thing as too much wine, too muchTV viewing and too much “triple-chocolate delight” ice cream.

Anytimesomething has become an idol on your heart or an obsession or anaddiction – well that’s too much!

Ifa couple has agreed that masturbation is okay within their marriage,then certainly they need good dialogue about this. They need to feelsafe expressing any concerns they have. They need the freedom tosay, “I was fine with this at one point, but now I’m not finewith it. Can we talk about this?” They need to hold each otheraccountable.

Open.Honest. Dialogue.

Whatif my spouse wants to masturbate but I find this disturbing or wrong?

HH&H:Express that you are concerned about your spouse's masturbation.Don't make judgmental comments; those bring out the armor and shielddefenses. Ask why your spouse is masturbating. Are they not fulfilledin your sex life? Do they want greater sexual frequency? Are theyunable to reach climax together? Is masturbation related to apornography problem?

Thendeal with the underlying issue. If your spouse is not sated in thebedroom and uses masturbation to substitute for sexual intimacy withyou, discuss the problem. Once again, focus on the positives of whatyou want your sex life to be in your marriage. How can you help?

Ifthe problem is beyond your ability to tackle it, get help. Forexample, if your husband is engaged in pornography and masturbationinstead of making love to you, you may need to talk to your pastor ora counselor. If your wife is more interested in her recentlypurchased sex toy than you, that's also cause for real concern.

Atthe end of the day, however, remember that the only person you cancontrol is yourself. So if your spouse is masturbating and won'tcease, there isn't much you can do. Your part is to be sexuallyengaged and supportive and to pray.

Julie:This may seem like the obviousanswer, but I suggest you share your concerns with your spouse. What one married couple enjoys in their intimacy may be differentfrom what another couple enjoys.

If yourspouse wants to masturbate (or if you “catch” them masturbating),I would use it as an opportunity to discuss why they want tomasturbate. Truly listen.

This kindof vulnerable dialogue could reveal that your spouse hungers toexperience more sex with you and feels rejected that you are not moresexually available.

Or itcould be that you and your spouse have different levels of desire andyou need to talk more about how to navigate that and arrive at afrequency level that works for both of you.

Or itcould be your spouse is struggling with something and is usingmasturbation as an escape mechanism, rather than dealing directlywith the issue.

Orit could be your spouse is viewing pornography and/or masturbationhas become addictive. Your goal should be to encourage your spousetoward finding healing and help, not ostracizing them to shame andisolation.

Nurturedcommunication where both spouses feel safe and heard is sofoundational when it comes to great sexual intimacy. I’ve alwaysbelieved talking is some of the best foreplay around.

Foranswers to What about the scripture that talks about Onanspilling his sperm? Does that verse reference masturbation? andWhat about the scripture that refers to people becoming lovers ofthemselves? Does that verse reference masturbation?click over to Intimacy in Marriage.

Onemore thing related to masturbation that wasn't asked: Have you everwondered about the etymology of the word “masturbation”? Well,I'm like that – wanting to know about words and language and stuff.So I looked it up! The word seems to derive from two Latinwords meaning “hand” + “defile or shame; or sexual intercourse.”Sure enough, how you interpret that second part tells a lot aboutyour own philosophy of masturbation.

Thanksagain to my wonderful friend, Julie Sibert. If you do not regularlyread her blog, I suggest subscribing to Intimacyin Marriage. She writes wonderfully and openly about God'sblessing of sexuality in marriage.

Whatother questions do you have about masturbation? What do you believeabout this topic and why? Have you struggled with choosingself-stimulation over relationship-building intimacy? Have youincorporated self-stimulation into your marital lovemaking?

Two Wives & Candid Conversation about Masturbation

2011-10-16T20:00:00.000-06:00

Ona sexuality blog, it should be no surprise that I would eventuallyget around to discussing masturbation. There are heated opinions allalong the continuum from “What's the big deal?” to “Never,never, no, never!” I realize that I'm wading into potentially deepwater here.

Sowhat better way to face a possible tidal wave than with a friend?Thus, Julie Sibert of Intimacyin Marriage and I have decided to pair up and deal this touchytopic (no pun intended). We'll brace ourselves and try to withstandthe undertow together. We are answering the same nine questionsregarding masturbation to see if we can enlighten this subject a bit.

Rememberthat both Julie and I come from a biblicalpoint of view, but we hope to speak to couples from all backgrounds.My moniker is simply “Me” and my answers are in red,and Julie Sibert is listed as “Her” and her answers are inpurple.(Or simply remember that she's the smart one and I'm the snarky one.)

Is it wrong for a married person to masturbate?

Me:First off, I'm going to not allow my love for Cyndi Lauper and thedance-inducing rhythm of “She Bop”to sway my answers (she was good in concert!). That said, Idon't believe that is always wrong to masturbate. The purpose ofsexuality in marriage is reproduction, intimacy, and pleasure.

Whilemasturbation does nothing for reproduction, it can be incorporated bya couple for intimacy and pleasure. Unfortunately, most masturbationby married persons is not lending itself to those goals but ratherhindering or replacing healthy sexuality.

Her:It depends. I’m not just riding the fence on this issue. I trulydo believe it depends. There are circumstances where it woulddefinitely be wrong for a married person to masturbate.

Inparticular, it would be wrong if they are doing it to withholdsexually from their spouse, if it has become an idol on their heartor it has become addictive, if they are doing it while visualizingsomeone other their spouse, if they are doing it while viewingpornographic or explicit material, and/or if they are doing itsecretly – meaning they are purposely hiding the activity fromtheir spouse.

Additionally,if one spouse has specifically asked the other spouse to notmasturbate, then it would be dishonorable, hurtful and disrespectfulto ignore this request, in my opinion.

Soobviously there are reasons – many reasons – when it would bewrong for a married person to masturbate.

Are visualization and fantasy always part of masturbation?

Me:I have heard through the grapevine that men cannot climax withoutconjuring up a visual image of a woman. Yet, my two direct sources ofinformation (thanks, guys) say that it is difficult but notimpossible. Moreover, is it a problem if the husband is imagining hiswife?

Ithink it's definitely possible for a woman to masturbate withoutthinking about a specific guy (yes, gals get to it as well). However,women may imagine another man without a specific picture in theirhead – like words another man said or that titillating thing thehunky guy in the romance novel did when he brought the main characterto climax.

Yet,if visualization and fantasy are a part of masturbation, they mustfocus on the marriage partner, not the muscle-rippling actor or curvyactress in the last movie you caught.

Her:Usually when people havestrong opinions against masturbation, this is one of the mainarguments they stand upon – that it is impossible for someone tomasturbate without visualizing someone else.

Thisusually then is translated that the visualized fantasy involves aperson or people other than one’s spouse (or that it alwaysinvolves the viewing of pornography).

Iunderstand the concern, but I question the absolute nature of theargument.

In otherwords, I think there are plenty of women who would argue they couldmasturbate without thinking of anything but the pleasure itself (Yes,women masturbate). And while I do think fewer men would be able tosay the same thing, it’s a stretch to say it’s impossible that aman cannot masturbate without visualization.

And theargument totally disregards the possibility that a married personmasturbating could be fantasizing about their own spouse in acompletely healthy and honoring way.

Forexample, is it wrong for a man away on business to masturbate whilefantasizing about his wife, who he loves and adores? I don’t thinkthat’s wrong, especially if they’ve had open discussion as acouple and have found that masturbation in these circumstancesstrengthens their closeness.

Are there circumstances in which masturbation would be beneficial to a marriage?

Me:Knowing that plenty will disagree, I say yes. Self-pleasure canbe incorporated into a couple's lovemaking; for instance, a husbandmay penetrate his wife while she stimulates herself and the result isan orgasm they both enjoy greatly. That increases, not detracts, fromintimacy and pleasure.

Also,couples apart from each other for long periods of time could talk toeach other by phone and use sensual flirtation and self-stimulationto mutually enjoy a time of sexual pleasure. Be careful to ensureprivacy with phone sex, though; if your darling kid listens in on theother line or discovers a suggestive picture of mommy on daddy's cellphone, you might find it easier to converse about quantum physicswith your children than the inner workings of your marital life.

Her:Absolutely. Certain guidelines, though, need to be met first.

Forone thing, a couple needs to agree that they both are comfortablewith when and why the masturbation is happening, that it is not beingdone to withhold from a spouse or as an excuse to get out of havingsex, and that it truly does endear the couple to each other – notcause distance or strife in the relationship. For great insights onthis, definitely trek over to Mrs.Gregoire’s post.

I cringewhen I hear a wife suggest something along these lines… “Well, Ijust assume he take care of it himself. That way I don’t have tohave sex with him.” Yuck. This clearly would not be anappropriate use of masturbation, because it is doing nothing toendear the spouses to each other.

I can,though, think of circumstances where masturbation is a positive partof a marriage. What about when a couple is separated by militarydeployment and either spouse masturbates while fantasizing of theirspouse who is far away? What about in the latter stages of pregnancy,where sexual intercourse is uncomfortable and a couple incorporatesmasturbation into their intimate time together?

Idefinitely think there are circumstances when masturbation can bebeneficial to a marriage.

For answers to What if my spouse cannotadequately bring me to orgasm during lovemaking? Does masturbationhave a place during sexual intimacy? andIs it okay for someone to masturbate while their spousewatches, if this is acceptable to both of them and is a turn-on?click over to Intimacy in Marriage.

Thanksso much to my lovely friend, Julie, with whom I have chatted aboutmommyhood, baseball, and most definitely sexuality! Both of us have apassion for passion – that is, we want to help marriages byaddressing sexuality openly and honestly and helping husbands andwives foster marital intimacy.

Besure to stay tuned for Part 2 at the same hot time, same hot channelon Thursday!

Sex and the Pity

2011-10-13T07:30:00.000-06:00

Raiseyour hand if you love a night of fabulous lovemaking based entirelyon the notion that you should be pitied for not having had any in awhile. Oh my, I see all of two hands back there! And you two haveonly ever experienced pity sex from your spouse, so it’s all youknow.

Thereis a better way.

Proposingsex to your husband with “Do you need a release?” or “It’sbeen a while, I guess we can do it tonight” doesn't cut it. Evenif you don’t say something this like aloud, your demeanor mightindicate that you are dropping the robe or sliding beneath the coversonly out of marital duty. Whilethere is a Bible verse that talks about our sexual obligation to ourmate, you choose your attitudein meeting that obligation.

Mykids are obligated to do chores around the home. Sometimes, they popin with a smile and help me out, and sometimes they throw a hissy fitworthy of a 9-1-1 call to the Super Nanny. Either way, they do thechore. The choice of attitude is their own.

Ofcourse, I’m not suggesting that lovemaking is equal to doinglaundry (I have notoncehad an orgasm while folding underwear; go figure!). But the premiseof choosing your approach is the same.

Ifyou feel like you're schlepping yourself to the bedroom for a 15-minuteinconvenience of physical engagement with your husband, you aretreating it like a chore. I would bet that your husband is also notjumping up and down with glee at your arrival. He might engage anywaybecause it’s all he can get! However, you both miss out on theconnection that God desires in gifting us with sexuality in marriage.

Sowhat do you do when you feel more duty and he feels more pity in thebedroom than either of you feel intimacy?

It can at least make
a BIG difference!

Doeverything you can to adjust your attitude!Forget the pity, and go for empathy. Empathy is putting yourself intoyour spouse's shoes, or boxer briefs in this case. Would you want your spouse to grudgingly engage in activities that make you feel loved or take part willingfully and joyfully?

Thinkabout what would make sexual engagement an intimate and thrillingexperience.Perhaps you need to clear your schedule; set the mood with music,lighting, and an inviting bed; spend some time preparing yourselfwith a bubble bath and pretty lingerie; and relax and participate inthe lovemaking.

Whenyou make sex a priority for your marriage and plan for itaccordingly, you may find that the experience is more enjoyable foryou as well. Sex is notan interruption to your day or evening or night. Physical intimacywith your spouse is worth interrupting the rest of your day for.

Saveyour pity for the stray animals in your neighborhood or thechild-actress-turned-addict; they need it! Meanwhile, your husbanddeserves your love and a fully-engaged wife.

“Ibelong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Come, my beloved, letus go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages . .. there I will give you my love.”

Song of Solomon 7:10-12

Must It Always Lead to Sex?

2011-10-10T09:21:00.000-06:00

Wewives ask ourselves this very question at varied times.

Aftera long day when your shoulder muscles are tight, you ask your hubbyto give you a quick massage. He starts rubbing your shoulders, yourhead falls forward as you “ooh” and “aah” at his firm butgentle touch, and stress begins to ebb from your body . . . until hishands move forward over your shoulders and begin to touch yourbreasts instead. Next thing you know, the relaxing massage for youhas become a titillating experience for himand he's ready and eager to get to the bedroom and massage otherparts.

Ashe comes home, you greet your husband at the door with a fond embraceand a soft-lipped kiss – either because you enjoy his presence oryou're thrilled to have reinforcements to handle the rambunctiousspawn tearing up your house little by little. The peck was so nicethat you extend the kissing with another, deeper, more passionatekiss. Happy to have had your Hollywood movie moment, you're ready toget back to dinner preparations or lock yourself away in yourbathroom in a hot bubbly tub. But he has read your cue as “Shewants me” and suggests a sexual encounter.

Icould give plenty of other examples, but these two will suffice. Thepoint is that wives often feel that any show of affection isimmediately interpreted by their husbands as a come-on or a sign ofsexual readiness.

Husbands,take note of the two very important rules that follow.

Affectiondoes not lead to sex.Not always. Most women enjoy affection for its own sake. Holding herhand or hugging your wife may make her feel secure not sensual.Kissing her evokes romantic, not necessarily sexual, feelings. Welike to sit close, cuddle, stroke our lover's skin, and get massageswithoutthe pressure of sexual performance automatically tied to theaffection. Most women are more generous with touching and kissingwhen they feel that it can be enjoyed as its own separate pleasure.

Rememberwhen you were dating? Unless your relationship began with a one-nightstand (which I hope it did not, but I don't exclude the possibility),you moved slowly from small touches to grander gestures of affection.Perhaps you recall the first time you held one another's hand or yourfirst kiss – including where you were, what you wore, or what musicplayed in the background. You didn't expect to “get lucky” thefirst time you touched.

Guesswhat? You won't get lucky every time you touch just because you'remarried now. While sex is a fabulous experience, you should alsoenjoy the small gestures of affection that create a romanticatmosphere, communicate tenderness and like for one another, andfoster closeness and emotional security in the marriage.

Affectiondoes lead to sex.Wait, this is theexact opposite. Yesand no. The paradox is that when husbands show affection withoutstrings attached and when intimate gestures become routine andenjoyed for their own sake, it creates the environment in whichsexual encounters are far more likely to occur.

Foreplayfor women is not merely the 10 to 15 minutes before intercourse; it'swhat has happened in the last 24 to 72 hours. When a wife feelssecure and loved for herself, when she can get a stress-reducingmassage that lasts longer than three minutes and doesn't involved abreast-squeeze, she feels connected to her husband and more willingengage sexually with him. Those minor touches and brushes of skinagainst skin, those tender kisses stolen in the kitchen or theutility room as you work together – they lay the groundwork for thewife to open up with her husband later in the bedroom.

Thus,affection does lead to sex. Just not always right away. It may takefifty minor acts of affection for the wife to equal the kind ofsexual interest a husband might have after two seconds of “nakedwoman emerges from shower.” A wise husband will take time todemonstrate genuine desire for his wife – not simply for her body,but for her - withor without sex in that immediate moment.

Irealize, of course, that there are exceptions – wives who wantoodles of affection and still won't put out a welcome sign no matterwhat. They likely have underlying issues which I and other marriagebloggers address in different posts.

Buton the whole, courting your wife with affection for its own sake is asmart move, hubbies. You might also discover that you relish kissingher soft, pink lips and holding her curvy body close to yours, justbecause.

“Greet one another with akiss of love.” 1 Peter 5:14

What is Intimacy?

2011-10-06T07:30:00.000-06:00

Intimacy is a word thrown around quiteoften by Christian authors and speakers regarding marriage and sexuality.Anytime you choose a word, you hope its meaning is agreed upon by both speakerand audience so that you can effectively convey an idea. Do we agree on what intimacy is?

TheMerriam-Webster definition of intimate includes “belonging to orcharacterizing one's deepest nature,” “marked by very close association,contact, or familiarity,” and “of a very personal or private nature.” None ofthat specifically denotes sex.

Indeed,wives focus on those words “deepest,” “close,” “association,” “familiarity.”Intimacy describes a connection they feel, or want to feel, with theirhusbands, which they can often get through conversation and affection.

Meanwhile,when you mention the word intimacy tohusbands, plenty of them hear boom-chicka-bow-now in their heads andfixate immediately on SEX. “You want intimacy, wife? Great! Here's thebedroom!”

Who’sright? What is this elusive concept of intimacy? How would God define it? What does intimacy look likein a marriage?

Ibelieve that husbands and wives are describing different parts of the elephant.If you’re not familiar with that analogy, an Indian fable tells of six blindmen who wanted to know what an elephant was. One man feeling the elephant’sside described it as a wall, another feeling the tusk declared it like a spear,yet another feeling the trunk said it was like a snake, one more feeling theleg swore it was like a tree, another feeling its ear claimed it was like afan, and the final one feeling its tail said it was like a rope. They arguedwho was right. The moral of the story is that they were all correct but failedto merge their images into one complete picture.

Likethat elephant, intimacy can be describedfrom different vantage points – mental, emotional, recreational, physical, spiritualand sexual. Intimacy is knowing someone ata deep level.

Maritalintimacy is special, however, in that it can include all of these perspectives.In an ideal marriage, a couple shares their thoughts, hopes, dreams, emotions, happiness,and disappointments. They have a mental and emotional connection. They spendtime together doing things and touching affectionately so that they haverecreational and physical connections. They foster one another’s walk of faith,attending church and praying together, sharing their spiritual struggles andjoys and challenging each other toward greater closeness with God. But while wecan have intimate friendships with emotional or spiritual connection, it is onlywith one’s spouse that we are physically fully revealed and connected.

Andwhile you can have a good marriage and be missing a component or two of thoselisted, if you want a GREAT marriage, you must nurture all of them, includingsexuality.

Moreover,sexuality experienced as God intendedhas all of these elements within it:

Mental – Your minds are focusedentirely on one another as you come together.

Emotional – Your time together reflectsyour feelings of love and desire for one another.

Recreational – Sexual encounters should bepleasurable and fun for both spouses.

Physical – Marital sexuality requiresphysical effort and attention to physical arousal.

Spiritual – Healthy sexuality inmarriage becomes transcendent in some ways, as you experience a connectednessthat is blessed by the Father himself. A sexual climax can feel like a peek atheaven in some ways. I don’t want to overstate this because of course I don’tknow what heaven is like, and eternity with God will surpass anything we experience here on earth. But that sense of connection and complete pleasuredoes smack of what I expect to experience one day. Surely, some of you relateto this sensation.

Sowhen I and others discuss marital intimacy, I hope that you hear more thansimply sex or connection because it goes beyond that. "Maritalintimacy” goes beyond regular “intimacy” because it happens within the bonds ofmarriage as God intended, and it goes beyond “marital sex” which may or may notinvolve deeper connectedness with your mate. Intimacy is a deep knowledge of your spouse that encompasses several aspects,builds your marriage, and honors the Creator.

How do you define intimacy inyour marriage? What makes you feel intimate with your spouse? Do you feel thatsense of intimacy when you make love in your marriage? How does sexuality havea mental, emotional, recreational, physical, or spiritual component for you?