Here I am, along with other Christian bloggers, encouraging women to have great intimate encounters with their husbands, and some women continue to resist. Because for some of you, when it comes down to it, intercourse is like inserting a serrated knife into your ear – or worse. Sex flat out hurts.
This is absolutely not an area in which “No Pain, No Gain” applies. Sex is not supposed to be physically painful. If it is, you do not grit your teeth and bear it, or lie back and think of England. You need to treat it like any other instance of pain in your body. If you had ongoing migraines, you would try to find out why and treat them. If you had excruciating back pain, you would see your doctor, a chiropractor, or a masseuse. If you had sharp pangs every time you walked, you wouldn’t stop walking altogether or merely decide that painful walking was your personal normal, you would say to yourself, “Hey, what’s up? Walking isn’t supposed to hurt!”
So here are a few tips to address the pain that some women feel in intercourse. Remember that God designed sex in marriage to provide intimacy and pleasure. That is what He desires for you.
1. Examination. Visit your doctor and see if there is a physical reason for your pain. Cervical structure, low estrogen, and other factors can negatively impact your comfort during intercourse. Physical causes of sexual pain can be addressed.
After childbirth, intercourse with my husband felt like having a scythe inserted vaginally. At my third visit to the gynecologist, the physician’s assistant realized that my estrogen was especially low. She prescribed a cream, and voila! pain alleviated. It was a relief to me and my husband that I could engage in intimate encounters without wincing, crying buckets, and begging (internally) for him to finish. Thank goodness we discovered the physical cause and treated it.
2. Preparation. If physical factors are not to blame, it could be that the husband is entering his wife too soon. A woman needs adequate lubrication and swelling to receive a penis without discomfort. The inner vaginal lips (or labia minora) must be swollen to perhaps three times their regular size. If the woman is not moist enough or swollen enough, her body requires more preparation. Preparation = foreplay.
Women take longer to heat up. Some have compared men and women to microwaves and slow cookers. Make sure you allow time to become sufficiently aroused. If necessary, designate a specified time for foreplay. Tell hubby that you need fifteen minutes of love play before entry. Or a certain number of romantic songs playing in the background can be your timer. Make sure that you are ready for your husband’s penis to be inserted. If you are, it will likely feel quite good when he enters.
3. Lubrication. It can be difficult, at times, to produce enough lubrication on your own. Perhaps it’s a time of the month when hormones are less cooperative, or the couple doesn’t have sufficient time in the schedule for long foreplay, or aging is playing its part in slowing down the juices. Whatever the reason, purchase a lubricant and keep it near your bed. Try different brands to find the one you like best. You can apply the lubricant yourself or ask your hubby to do so (a request he would likely oblige).
Moisture in the vaginal area assists with stimulation and pleasure. Your husband’s fondling may not feel good without that wetness. If you aren’t producing it on your own, don’t worry about it. Just apply lubrication.
4. Experimentation. Find out what feels good to you. A lot of women who claim they don’t like sex have merely accepted the method used by their husband, and what he does doesn’t feel good. You need to try different ways of touching one another, different positions, or different times for entry or ways of thrusting. This isn’t a perfect-on-the-first-try activity. Explore one another’s bodies and learn what is enjoyable. Free yourself to find out what brings you pleasure and what brings pain, so you can pursue the former and avoid the latter.
Prior to childbirth, I had a tilted uterus, and sex often felt more comfortable when my husband entered my vagina from behind. A little experimentation led us to discover a position that kept me from experiencing pain and intensified my pleasure. Of course, my enjoyment made the encounter more enjoyable for my husband as well.
5. Communication. Talk to your husband about what feels good and what doesn’t. If you begin to feel discomfort or pain, let him know! He isn’t a mind reader. Most men are not so absorbed by their own desire for climax that they don’t care about injuring you. Loving husbands want their wives to gain pleasure from having sex with them. So communicate.
This may mean piping up verbally during the event to say, “Ooh, that doesn’t feel good. How about this?” Or it may mean guiding his hand or his penis where you want it. It can also entail sitting down outside the bedroom and having a heart-to-heart conversation about the pain you experience and your desire to experience pleasure instead. Your husband will probably be happy to discuss options for accomplishing that goal.
6. Habituation. (I chose a big word to match all of the other -ations which really means frequency.) Sex needs to happen with some regularity for pain or soreness to be avoided.
If I try to run five miles, my legs are going to scream bloody murder at me, and I will awaken the next morning barely able to move. If I don’t run again until three months later, it will still hurt like the dickens. But if I run today, tomorrow, the next day, and so on, I will be able to run five miles before I know it with a runner’s high instead of a weakling’s cramping.
Some women experience unnecessary pain because they do not engage in sex often enough for their muscles to adapt. Vaginas stretch a little with use. The vagina will still be tight enough to cause pleasure for the man, but it needs to remain elastic enough to respond. If sex hurts and you don’t have sex again for three months, it will likely hurt just as much the next time. Making sex a habit gets your body used to the physical activity, increasing the likelihood that you will enjoy the experience.
Remember that sex isn’t supposed to hurt. See if one of these reasons is causing the problem and address it immediately. Bring your husband in on the deal and enlist his help.